Angelo Garepe: Rusty, I think he bangs his wife in installments.
(Christopher just got out of drug rehab)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, what step are you at now?
Christopher Moltisanti: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I f**ked over when I was using.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's an old Italian saying: you f**k up once, you lose two teeth.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: (to a friend, about men) Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.
(during the executive card game, Matthew Bevilaqua tries to clean up cheese from Silvo Dante, Silvio goes ballistic)
Silvio Dante: What the f**k are you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil, take it easy.
Silvio Dante: (turns to Tony) I'm losin' my balls over here! This f**king moron's playing "Hazel".
(turns back to Matthew)
Silvio Dante: Get the f**k out of here!
Matthew Bevilaqua: I was just trying to sweep the cheese away...
Silvio Dante: Why? Why now? Leave it there.
Matthew Bevilaqua: I don't know. I was just...
Silvio Dante: What?
(turns the other guys)
Silvio Dante: Where do you get these f**kin' idiots, huh? Where do you get them? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying to get...
(turns back to Matthew)
Silvio Dante: (shouts) Leave the f**king cheese there, all right? I love f**kin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherf**kin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Alright? Now leave the f**king c*cks*cking cheese where it is! Here, here, here.
(he swipes off the cheese on his plate onto the floor)
Silvio Dante: Go ahead. Have a good time.
Mikey Palmice: Junior Soprano's the new boss and he ain't respectin' old arrangements.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Log off, that "cookies" sh*t makes me nervous!
Juror #9: So, let's keep in touch. Call me when your grandson is born.
Female Juror: When he's born, I wouldn't want to be thinking about you.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's like taking a sh*t.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok. I actually like to think about it as a childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a sh*t.
Ralphie Cifaretto: ...and I know I'm the guy who's dating your mom,
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Dating?
Ralphie Cifaretto: Don't get f**kin' filthy about it.
Tony Soprano: Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's Sampler?
Salvatore 'Big p*ssy' Bompensiero: Hey, Sil.
Silvio Dante: What?
Salvatore 'Big p*ssy' Bompensiero: "What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.
Silvio Dante: (imitates Al Pacino) Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!
(Three of Tony's capos enter a room angrily)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A wrong decision is better than indecision.
(about his father)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The belt was his favorite child development tool.
Christopher Moltisanti: So, you won't talk about this to anybody?
Black Thug: I got the mouth of a statue, n*gga.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do you have to be stressed about? That bar?
Adriana La Cerva: War, Christopher? The Middle East.
Christopher Moltisanti: You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole f**kin' world. The whole world's gonna be under our control. So what are you worked up about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.
Tony Blundetto: What do I find in a pork store? A bunch of guys beating their meat.
Carmela Soprano: I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support.
Dr. Krakower: You're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money. You can't either. One thing you can never say: You haven't been told.
Silvio Dante: You're only as good as your last envelope.
(while playing hearts)
Salvatore "Big p*ssy" Bonpensiro: I've eaten more queens than Lancelot.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil, break it down for 'em. What two business have traditionally been recession-proof since time immemorial?
Silvio Dante: Certain aspects of show business and our thing.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Tony Blundetto: To think, when I got out of the joint, I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio Dante: Oh, yeah.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How long did it take for the guy to come?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.
Christopher Moltisanti: Get the f**k out of here.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What f**king kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
Ralphie Cifaretto: I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm gonna pass.
Artie Bucco: Why not?
Ralphie Cifaretto: 'Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.
Livia Soprano: I wish the Lord would take me now.
Janice Soprano: (as she's talking with Tony while s*cking marrow out of a soup bone) God, I love marrow, just like Ma. Remember Ma with a bone? It sounded like half-price day at a liposuction clinic.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're looking good. Looking better.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, You want that, it's a phone call away.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Listen to me, the only reason I did this is because you're my nephew, and I love you. If it were anybody else, they would've gotten that intervention through the back of their f**king head.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
Tony Blundetto: It's hard to believe. My cousin in the old man's seat.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good leader is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.
Tony Blundetto: What?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: "Sun-Tuh-Zoo". He's Chinese Prince Machiavelli.
Silvio Dante: Tzu, Tzu! Sun Tzu, you f**king ass-kiss!
Adriana La Cerva: Ralph was asking if Tony was at the club. Why? Is he gonna be?
Christopher: You don't know what this guy did for me.
Adriana La Cerva: Yeah I do.
Christopher: Not just getting my stripes, something I can't talk about. Something that was ruining my whole life and he made it right. For what I owe him, I would follow that man into hell.
Feech La Manna: What's yours is your Pauly, but what ain't, belongs to anybody else.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Oh, what do you know about what belongs to who? You been in prison for twenty years.
Feech La Manna: Which entitles me to earn!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Which entitles you to sh*t! In my book, you get points for staying out.
Feech La Manna: Then it's a good thing, Paulie, that your book doesn't mean oogatz to me!
'Little' Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.
Carmela Soprano: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the f**k's the matter with you?
Adriana La Cerva: They broke my f**kin' chair.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're late!
Ralph Cifaretto: Well, at least I can always be on time tomorrow, but you'll be stupid forever.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Tony Soprano: Is everyone in my life f**kin' bananas?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?... I was outside a wh*rehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the sh*t out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?
Junior Soprano: The joint, not like in the old days. f**kin' animals in there.
Feech La Manna: It's all about setting the precedent.
FBI agent: We've had every one of Tony Soprano's phones bugged for four years, but the guy says less than Harpo Marx.
(Christopher is stoned)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I called you here, 'cause I got something to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna rely on you more and more, 'cause you're the only one I can fully trust. Sil and Paulie... they're old friends, but you're one thing they're not.
Christopher Moltisanti: What's that, T?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Blood. You're gonna lead this family into the 21st Century.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, Tony, technically we're already in the 21st Century...
(Tony looks at him, confused)
Christopher Moltisanti: Forget about it. You won't regret this, T.
Christopher: Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.
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