Silvio Dante: My daughter got off on this feminist rant. She told me it's demeaning for a girl to be working at the Bing. The fact that these girls make $1500 a week has no bearing with my principessa.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: (to Silvio) All due respect, you got no f**kin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other f**kin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: How much White Castle did you have?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: I had none. I swear.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: I can SMELL it.
Johnny Sack: Phil treats nickels like manhole covers.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: (about his father) He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.
Livia Soprano: (at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior) Oh his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Could we not?
Livia Soprano: Oh well you only remember what you want to remember. I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old.
Livia Soprano: Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: We go way back to when Moses wore short pants.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: End of story.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got any idea what my life would be worth if certain people found out I checked into a laughing academy?
Phil Leotardo: There are no scraps in my scrapbook.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!
Silvio Dante: Chrissie, I hear you're doing good with the gambling.
Christopher Moltisanti: You kidding me? With the money I made, I could go work at Denny's for the rest of my life.
Silvio Dante: Yeah, like they would ever hire you.
Christopher Moltisanti: Whatever you do, do not engage Silvio in conversation.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Where the f**k have you been? You're late!
Christopher: Sorry, the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.
(a union leader won't go along with one of the Sopranos' schemes. Bobby is sent to fix the situation)
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: How's it going? You're the head of the union aren't you?
Union Leader: Yeah, I am. Who are you?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Just a casual observer. You know, I've been following the situation, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't make much sense to me. I mean you recently got an offer, for a lot of money. And, if you don't get paid, you can't feed your family. I presume you got a family. I'm a family man myself, and I gotta tell you I'd rather take two shots to the back of the f**king head than not be able to feed my family.
(makes a gun with his hand and points it to the back of his own head)
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: One... Two... To the back of the head. You think about that.
Eugene Pontecorvo: The only thing I ever found in the street was my first wife.
Joanne Moltisanti: When you find him, I want him to suffer! You hear me, Sil? I want that mother f**ker in agony!
Silvio Dante: Don't worry. We'll do the best we can.
Phil Leotardo: Let me tell you a couple of three things: Forget Coco, forget Fat Dom who goes over to Jersey and never comes back, forget my brother Billy.
Christopher Moltisanti: In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it a... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why don't you kick me in the f**kin' head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know what you're going through must be painful.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This sh*t isn't painful. It's empty... dead.
Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi: The Soprano family has always been a little pushy.
Carmine Lupertazzi: Family? They're a glorified crew!
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Whatever they are, Carmine, they make us a lot of money.
(the dean of a college that Meadow is applying to is asking Tony for a $10,000 donation)
Carmela Soprano: I think you should pay him, Tony.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No f**king way!
Carmela Soprano: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 10,000 dollars?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's not it. That motherf**ker's full of sh*t. He's shaking me down.
Carmela Soprano: No, he's not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Vito, you did tell the police you didn't know who did this, right?
Vito Spatafore: Please. I may be distressed, but I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph Cifaretto: Unless there's a big tuna sandwich around!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, maybe I am wrong, but you have really changed since the old man died. First, Lorraine Caluzzo. Then you sink this idiot's boat. This not the John I knew.
Christopher: Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.
(Christopher is stoned)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I called you here, 'cause I got something to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna rely on you more and more, 'cause you're the only one I can fully trust. Sil and Paulie... they're old friends, but you're one thing they're not.
Christopher Moltisanti: What's that, T?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Blood. You're gonna lead this family into the 21st Century.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, Tony, technically we're already in the 21st Century...
(Tony looks at him, confused)
Christopher Moltisanti: Forget about it. You won't regret this, T.
FBI agent: We've had every one of Tony Soprano's phones bugged for four years, but the guy says less than Harpo Marx.
Junior Soprano: The joint, not like in the old days. f**kin' animals in there.
Feech La Manna: It's all about setting the precedent.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?... I was outside a wh*rehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the sh*t out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?
Tony Soprano: Is everyone in my life f**kin' bananas?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're late!
Ralph Cifaretto: Well, at least I can always be on time tomorrow, but you'll be stupid forever.
Adriana La Cerva: They broke my f**kin' chair.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the f**k's the matter with you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Carmela Soprano: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.
'Little' Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.
Feech La Manna: What's yours is your Pauly, but what ain't, belongs to anybody else.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Oh, what do you know about what belongs to who? You been in prison for twenty years.
Feech La Manna: Which entitles me to earn!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Which entitles you to sh*t! In my book, you get points for staying out.
Feech La Manna: Then it's a good thing, Paulie, that your book doesn't mean oogatz to me!
Adriana La Cerva: Ralph was asking if Tony was at the club. Why? Is he gonna be?
Christopher: You don't know what this guy did for me.
Adriana La Cerva: Yeah I do.
Christopher: Not just getting my stripes, something I can't talk about. Something that was ruining my whole life and he made it right. For what I owe him, I would follow that man into hell.
Tony Blundetto: It's hard to believe. My cousin in the old man's seat.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good leader is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.
Tony Blundetto: What?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: "Sun-Tuh-Zoo". He's Chinese Prince Machiavelli.
Silvio Dante: Tzu, Tzu! Sun Tzu, you f**king ass-kiss!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Listen to me, the only reason I did this is because you're my nephew, and I love you. If it were anybody else, they would've gotten that intervention through the back of their f**king head.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're looking good. Looking better.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, You want that, it's a phone call away.
Janice Soprano: (as she's talking with Tony while s*cking marrow out of a soup bone) God, I love marrow, just like Ma. Remember Ma with a bone? It sounded like half-price day at a liposuction clinic.
Livia Soprano: I wish the Lord would take me now.
Ralphie Cifaretto: I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm gonna pass.
Artie Bucco: Why not?
Ralphie Cifaretto: 'Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What f**king kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.
Christopher Moltisanti: Get the f**k out of here.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio Dante: Oh, yeah.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How long did it take for the guy to come?
Tony Blundetto: To think, when I got out of the joint, I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts!