opening theme song: Yes, no, maybe, I don`t know, can you repeat the question? You`re not the boss of me now, You`re not the boss of me now, You`re not the boss of me now, and you`re not so big. You`re not the boss of me now, You`re not the boss of me now, You`re not the boss of me now, and you`re not so big. Life is unfair...
Craig Feldspar: (Lois and other Lucky Aid employees are chasing a squirrel inside the store, that bit Craig) Look out, he`s headed for the door!
Craig Feldspar: He`s got murder in his eyes, and a cute fluffy tail!
Hal: (Bursts into the boys room) Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Lois: (background) Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: (background) Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You`re a good son.
Lois: (background) OH MY GOD!
Hal: (grabs Malcolm and opens the door) Don`t worry honey. I got him!
Reese: (singing amazing grace) Amazing race, how sweet the tast, that saved a wretch for me. I once was in the lost and found, was blind but found my keys.
Reese: Guys! Guys! I just made an amazing discovery! When you mix blue and yellow together, you get a totally new colour! I call it... Blellow!
Malcolm: Okay, let`s think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
Dewey: Take me to the ice rink!
Reese: Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It`s cold there.
Dewey: But they have good hotdogs.
Reese: No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones.
Dewey: Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*?
Reese: I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something.
Malcolm: Okay, back inside the box.
(the boys are teaching Craig how to fight dirty)
Reese: For convenience, we have divided the human body into the three major theaters - the head...
(a watermelon with eggs for eyes)
Reese: ... the torso...
(a garbage bag full of sausages)
Craig Feldspar: What are those?
(points to a bag of plums)
Reese: You know what those are.
Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Jessica: So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We`ve lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven`t carted him off yet!
Reese: No! Jessica, you don`t get to keep barging in here everyday like you own the place! Go back outside and knock, and then go away!
Jessica: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans down the street!
Malcolm: The sad thing is that we`re still the worst family on the block.
Lois: (about her parents) But at least we can be happy when they`re gone.
Malcolm: You mean when they drive back to Alaska?
Lois: Yeah. That`s what I meant.
Reese: Hey, Dewey. You know I never gave you anything for your birthday?
Reese: Well. Here.
(gives him a backpack)
Reese: Happy birthday!
Dewey: I already have a backpack.
Reese: Not like this one. See this one has a whistle. Why are you flinching? I`m trying to give you something nice.
Dewey: But I`m not gonna take it.
Reese: Here, just hold it.
Reese: (pushes Dewey in his mattress) Why won`t you let me do something nice? You`re gonna wear this and there`s nothing you can do about it!
Reese: I`m the one who spit in Dewey`s cereal this morning. I mean...
Dewey: I drank that milk! I licked the bowl! I hate you!
Hal: Lois, I keep finding your mother`s teeth everywhere. Is she spitting them out or are they escaping?
Malcolm: Why do we have to go shopping?
Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don`t just magically appear in your drawers.
Dewey: Mine do.
Lois: Mom, you hate boy bands, right?
Grandma Ida: They`re making a living. Give `em a break.
Francis: (earnestly) Dewey, you don`t get to choose the people who need your help.
Malcolm: Grandma, I`m not going to hit you!
(turns to camera)
Malcolm: No kid should ever have to say that.
Otto: Quiet please! If everyone could just stop their drunken revelling for one second...
Stevie: Freedom`s a glorious thing.
Malcolm: Rhonda`s a lesbian.
Lois: Well, maybe she wouldn`t be a lesbian if you tucked your shirt in.
Dewey: Dad! The toilet lid was up and Jamie`s tongue is blue again.
Lois: Fresh fruit? All-cotton underwear? A decent book? We don`t sell this stuff!
Craig Feldspar: Malcolm, I think you`re forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"
Hal: Before you saying anything, I don`t want you to think of this as Christmas cider. This is non-denominational winter cider.
Francis: Well, look at that - 8:00 already. Way past my bed time. Where do I sleep?
Grandma Ida: You`re sitting on it.
Francis: Does it turn into a bed?
Grandma Ida: Yes, it becomes a bed.
Grandma Ida: It`s a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you gr*pes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid.
Francis: All right! It doesn`t fold out!
Francis: Well, in the spirit of the season, let`s begin this pathetic charade.
Grandma Ida: I never know what you`re talking about. You talk like a jackass.
(Francis gives her a card that plays "Jingle Bells")
Grandma Ida: You do this... to torture me?
Francis: I don`t even know how to pronounce your last name.
Stevie: Outwitted... by a dumbass.
Dewey: I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it`s on your head.
Lois: No, it`s not.
Malcolm: We have asbestos in the ceiling! Yay!
Lois: I brought Brownies.
Dorene: Well, isn`t that thoughtful. Are those nuts?
Dorene: Well, we can`t have that. Some of the children are severely allergic.
Lois: Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?
Dorene: Well, no-one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful
(dumps the brownies in the trash)
Dorene: Believe me, this wasn`t meant to publicly humiliate you. I`m sure they were delicious.
Hal: Dewey, what have I said about snitching?
Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch.
Francis: (finds cadet Finley in a cupboard) Finley, what are you doing in here?
Cadet Finley: Poquito Cabeza!
Francis: Get out of there.
Cadet Finley: I can`t. I`ve been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse!
Francis: Please. Five seniors with limited imaginations.
Cadet Finley: Easy for you to say. You`ve got Stanley protecting you, and you`re not holding Poquito Cabeza.
Francis: Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza" so much?
Cadet Finley: I can`t. Poquito Cabeza! Would you turn in my math homework for me?
Francis: (erasing Finley`s name and writing his own) Poor Finley. He`s good at math, right?
Brothers of the Apocalypse: (chanting) Finley, Boom-ba-yay. Finley, Boom-ba-yay.
Cadet Finley: (gets carried away by gang) Oh, no. Aaaah!
Cadet Stanley: Hold it. Fruit Loops?
(Finley hands him a cereal box)
Cadet Stanley: Continue.
Cadet Finley: (as gang continues to chant) No! No! No!
Lois: (entering the boys` room) What did you do?
Lois: Don`t give that look. What did you do?
Lois: Well, I suppose you wouldn`t mind if I... took a look in here!
(opens a drawer)
Malcolm: Mom, I`m telling you. we didn`t do anything.
Lois: (notices the curtains are closed) If you`ve broken another window, it`s coming out of your...
Reese: Are you done? Wanna frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky.
(leaves then immediately returns, then closes door)
Dewey: (tied up on back of door) That was close.
Malcolm: Either she`s losing her touch, or we`re getting better.
(Francis is being pursued by a gang and calls home)
Francis: (over answering machine) Mom. Dad. Sorry I gotta whisper, but I`m calling from inside a washing... Hey, guys. What are you doing with those quarters? No! No! NO!
Malcolm: Okay, Reese. I finished your essay. A guaranteed A.
Reese`s Girlfriend: But I need an essay, and I can`t afford an F.
Reese: (rips his essay in half) Now we`ll both get C`s.
Young Malcolm: I tried to make invisible ink, but I think I made chlorine gas.
Malcolm: You like clouds?
Reese: Yes, I like clouds! I call them sky kittens.
Reese: This will be the most magnificent day of my life. I plan to float above the clouds and experience the joy that only birds can know.
Dewey: You`re going to fry yourself on high voltage wires.
Reese: I`m not afraid. I have faith in my vision. I love you, Dewey.
(Starts to float off)
Reese: This is incredible! I can see the top of Dad`s car from here!
Dewey: I`ll miss you at first! No, I`M as surprised as you are. No, I`m as SURPRISED as you are. No, I`m as surprised as YOU are.
Reese: Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they`ve got no laws named after them. That`s fine for most people, but I want more.
Hal: Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn`t us, they`d all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
Reese: Ok, I was thinking something like this lifeguard. Is there a straight guy version of that, cause that would be perfect for me.
Francis: (talking about his grandma) I am not visiting this woman. She`s evil and she hates me.
Lois: Francis, this is family. This is grandma`s first Christmas since grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis: Well, did you invite her to your house?
Lois: She knows she`s always welcome.
Francis: Hey, maybe we`ll both get on a bus and come down and surprise you.
Lois: Don`t you threaten me!
Malcolm: (after Lois got mad at them for no special reason) What`s her problem?
Reese: Mom and Dad`s life is so boring they have to invent stuff to be upset about.
Dewey: Maybe we honor Reese the wrong way. Reese wasn`t into helping people and doing good deeds. He loved to smash things and destroy stuff for no reason. If we want to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way.
Malcolm: You have something in mind?
Dewey: (shows him a brochure) This kind of caught my eye.
Malcolm: An art fair?
Dewey: Just think what Reese would have done with it. They`ve got fold dancing, dream catchers, face-painting...
Malcolm: They are kind of begging for it. I don`t know...
Dewey: And rapping grannies.
Malcolm: Let me see that!
Francis: You don`t belong here, you belong at home.
Reese: All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I still lived at home.
(next scene - Malcolm, Francis and Dewey are coming out of Reese`s apartment)
Malcolm: I thought the toilet-seat-never-needs-warming argument was pretty good.
Malcolm: I can`t believe he could really be gone.
Dewey: I know. Wow, this diaper`s gotta be a 5-pounder!
Malcolm: I`d like to think Jamie knew what it was for. It`s so weird. It seems like all my life I wished that something horrible would happen to Reese. And now that is has I... I...
Dewey: Miss him?
Dewey: I do, too. Remember when he shaved my eyebrows and glued them back on so I looked permanently surprised? That was genius.
Malcolm: Remember the pure joy he got on Christmas morning when he was smashing our presents? No matter how hard I tried, I could never make Mom`s face turn to that special purple color... Reese purple.
Malcolm: Reese, give me your pocket knife.
Reese: Ok, but if you miss her you`ll only make her madder.
(talking about Lois)
Francis: (Malcolm and Reese want to get rid of some strangers in their house and call Francis for help, who talks to the leader) You don`t want me to get the cops over here, do you? And I`m sure you don`t want me to tell them who pulled over the water tower.
Teen: That was you, Francis.
Francis: Really? So what about the highway overpass?
Teen: That was also you.
Francis: Car wash? The sink hole!
Teen: All you!
Francis: Well, you guys want to be in the house and I think that`s ok.
(the guy closes the door)
Francis: (to Malcolm and Reese) I think we gave them enough to think about.
Malcolm: Mom, I hate wearing Reece`s hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly`s broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.