Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.
Wally Cleaver: That`s your tough luck.
June Cleaver: Eddie seems to know a lot about the law.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, he told his father, in three years he`s going over the wall.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you really like me, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: I guess so.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you like me a whole lot?
Wally Cleaver: Look, don`t get sloppy on me. I might just slug you one.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: We can`t just say we`re going to be friends. We gotta have an agreement or something.
Larry Mondello: Okay.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I, Beaver Cleaver, swear to die for Larry Mondello and always stick up for him and never snitch on him and be his friend forever.
(at a backyard funeral)
Larry Mondello: These here are Beaver`s pigeons, which he named after his two teachers, which the cat ate, so he buried them.
June Cleaver: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We`re having roast beef.
Eddie Haskell: No thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We`re having squab this evening.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, wait`ll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They`ll really give you the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don`t give you the business.
Wally Cleaver: Well, that`s because I`m in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee Wally, that`s swell.
Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I could use my own money, the twenty-five dollars I got in the bank.
Wally Cleaver: I thought you were saving that to go to college.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Larry says he never heard of a college you could go to for twenty-five dollars.
Eddie Haskell: Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I`m gonna - oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.
Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you know what Larry was doing was wrong. You could have stopped him.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I have enough trouble keeping myself good without keeping all the other kids good.
June Cleaver: Wally, where are you going?
Wally Cleaver: I`m going over to slug Eddie.
June Cleaver: That`s no way to talk, this is Sunday.
Wally Cleaver: You`re right, I`ll wait `til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You know something, Wally? I`d rather do nothin` with you than somethin` with anybody else.
June Cleaver: Ward, I`m very worried about the Beaver.
Ward Cleaver: How`d the fishing go Beav?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Great Dad. We didn`t catch any fish, but Larry and I saw a man slip on a wet rock and heard everything he said.
Wally Cleaver: Are you giving me the business?
Wally Cleaver: Where`d you hear all that jazz?
Wally Cleaver: Dry up, Beaver.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (to Lumpy) Lumpy Dumpy Rat Rat.
Wally Cleaver: Are you being a wise guy?
Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, how come you know so much about buying cars?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, as unbelievable as it may seem they did have cars in my younger days.
Wally Cleaver: Used cars?
Ward Cleaver: I`m going to change my clothes and finish painting those trash cans myself; the boys ran out on the job.
June Cleaver: Well dear you can`t blame them too much, they went over to see the big fire at the lumber yard.
Ward Cleaver: Fire?
June Cleaver: Yes, they couldn`t resist it, and after all they are just boys.
Ward Cleaver: Tom Corton`s lumber yard?
June Cleaver: Yes, it`s been on the radio. Why, they`ve called out fire companies from all over.
Ward Cleaver: Well it must be quite a fire.
June Cleaver: Yes, it must be.
Ward Cleaver: June, I wonder if you`d go out to the garage and put those brushes in some turpentine, I won`t be too long. (Rushes out the back door.)
June Cleaver: Once a boy always a boy.
Ward Cleaver: Wally, believe it or not, I was your age once.
Wally Cleaver: What a dumb thing to do. I bet you wouldn`t have done anything like this if Mom and Dad were here.
June Cleaver: Dear, do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No, just parents with children.
Ward Cleaver: It`s that friend of Beaver`s. You know, the one who always talks like he was just frightened by something.
June Cleaver: Whitey Whitney?
Ward Cleaver: That`s it.
Eddie Haskell: Not me! Your father doesn`t like me.
Wally Cleaver: Why would you say that?
Eddie Haskell: On account of the way he looks at me when he opens the door. Sometimes I think he`d be happier to see Kruschev standing there.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come Eddie`s such a creepy guy?
Wally Cleaver: He works at it.
Ward Cleaver: Ah, June, Gilbert`s always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?
June Cleaver: Oh, I see her at the supermarket every once in a while. She seems like a calm sensible person.
Ward Cleaver: You can`t really go by that. You might look the same way to her.
Wally Cleaver: (Ward has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a kid)
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper.
Ward Cleaver: Let`s face it, June, Wally and Eddie have been friends for four or five years now - nothing`s ever really happed.
June Cleaver: But Eddie has that look about him that makes you think something`s always about to happen.
Cornelia Rayburn: (reading the poem Ward wrote for the Beaver to recite at school) The Bear: I would like to be a bear, gay and happy free from care / That`s the life like no other, climbing trees with my mother / Though they call me beast of rage, I`ve never put anything in a cage / Or set a trap since time`s begun, or shot a human with a gun.
Wally Cleaver: Did Dad hit ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Did he yell at ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Then why ya cryin`?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do.
(the boys have set a trap for Lumpy and are trying to lure him out of the house )
Wally Cleaver: (shouting) Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C`mon out, Lumpy!
Fred Rutherford: Gwendoline, what`s that?
Gwen Rutherford: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (shouting) Lumpy, dumpy, the big fat hairy ape!
Fred Rutherford: Must be for Clarence.
Wally Cleaver: (shouting) Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen Rutherford: Might be for you, dear.
(Richard has lost the three dollars his mother gave him to have the families laundry washed)
Richard Rickover: I wish I was old enough to cry.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, now the only place you can cry in public is in the theater when its dark.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: If I had my choice between a three pound bass and a girl, I`d take the three pound bass.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water.
Mr. Foster: (Mr. Foster is reading out the class grades) Miss Rogers, A, Mr. Haskell, B+, Mr. Cleaver, A-, Mr. Rutherford, F.
Clarence `Lumpy` Rutherford: An ?F?, Mr. Foster?
Mr. Foster: Yes, Mr. Rutherford. It`s the lowest grade they allow me to give.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (Ward wants to see Beaver in the den) Is Dad mad?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but Mom`s in there.
Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don`t feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver: I don`t get that.
Eddie Haskell: Of course you don`t. That`s because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Larry Mondello: Beaver punched me in the stomach, right where I almost had my operation.
Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we`d always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father`s out of town.
Eddie Haskell: Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me.
Fred Rutherford: (Wally and Eddie`s prank on Lumpy has backfired) Clarence! Did you wrap this chain around the axle of your car and then try to drive off?
Clarence `Lumpy` Rutherford: Gosh no, Daddy! Why would I do something like that?
Fred Rutherford: It just seems like something you would do.
Eddie Haskell: (Beaver thinks he isn`t going to graduate from 8th grade) Hey, that`s tough, kid. Let me think. Maybe I can help you figure a way out of this.
Wally Cleaver: Listen, Beav. At this point, I don`t think you want to be taking advice from Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: Are you kidding? I`ve been in an out of every kind of trouble there is in school.
(Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs)
June Cleaver: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he`ll be in a terrible mood all through dinner.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I don`t want him hollerin` at me again.
(June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange)
June Cleaver: (sheepishly) Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn`t know you were home.
Ward Cleaver: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.
(June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs)
Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin` what I`d do if I was a pig eatin` peoples ribs.
June Cleaver: Beaver, please.
(Entry in Beaver`s diary)
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Went to school. Ate lunch. Saw dead cat. Came home.