(Beaver and Larry are having a picnic at Friends Lake)
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Larry, how come food tastes better when your eatin` it outside?
Larry Mondello: I don`t know. Maybe `cause if you drop something, nobody`s gonna` holler at ya` for gettin` dirt dirty.
(Ward has opened the car door for June to enter)
June Cleaver: Thank you dear. It`s so sweet of you to be the thoughtful husband after all these years.
Ward Cleaver: Your very welcome. Besides the neighbors might be watching.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I wouldn`t wanna do anything to hurt God. He`s got enough trouble with the Russians and all.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You wanna` mess around later?
Larry Mondello: I can`t, I`m grounded.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come?
Larry Mondello: My father caught me eating pie in bed.
Wally Cleaver: Hi Dad. I didn`t do anything.
Ward Cleaver: Why do you say that?
Wally Cleaver: Well, I don`t know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.
(Entry in Beaver`s diary)
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Went to school. Ate lunch. Saw dead cat. Came home.
(June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs)
Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin` what I`d do if I was a pig eatin` peoples ribs.
June Cleaver: Beaver, please.
(Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs)
June Cleaver: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he`ll be in a terrible mood all through dinner.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I don`t want him hollerin` at me again.
(June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange)
June Cleaver: (sheepishly) Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn`t know you were home.
Ward Cleaver: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.
Eddie Haskell: (Beaver thinks he isn`t going to graduate from 8th grade) Hey, that`s tough, kid. Let me think. Maybe I can help you figure a way out of this.
Wally Cleaver: Listen, Beav. At this point, I don`t think you want to be taking advice from Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: Are you kidding? I`ve been in an out of every kind of trouble there is in school.
Fred Rutherford: (Wally and Eddie`s prank on Lumpy has backfired) Clarence! Did you wrap this chain around the axle of your car and then try to drive off?
Clarence `Lumpy` Rutherford: Gosh no, Daddy! Why would I do something like that?
Fred Rutherford: It just seems like something you would do.
Eddie Haskell: Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me.
Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we`d always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father`s out of town.
Larry Mondello: Beaver punched me in the stomach, right where I almost had my operation.
Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don`t feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver: I don`t get that.
Eddie Haskell: Of course you don`t. That`s because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (Ward wants to see Beaver in the den) Is Dad mad?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but Mom`s in there.
Mr. Foster: (Mr. Foster is reading out the class grades) Miss Rogers, A, Mr. Haskell, B+, Mr. Cleaver, A-, Mr. Rutherford, F.
Clarence `Lumpy` Rutherford: An ?F?, Mr. Foster?
Mr. Foster: Yes, Mr. Rutherford. It`s the lowest grade they allow me to give.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: If I had my choice between a three pound bass and a girl, I`d take the three pound bass.
(Richard has lost the three dollars his mother gave him to have the families laundry washed)
Richard Rickover: I wish I was old enough to cry.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, now the only place you can cry in public is in the theater when its dark.
(the boys have set a trap for Lumpy and are trying to lure him out of the house )
Wally Cleaver: (shouting) Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C`mon out, Lumpy!
Fred Rutherford: Gwendoline, what`s that?
Gwen Rutherford: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (shouting) Lumpy, dumpy, the big fat hairy ape!
Fred Rutherford: Must be for Clarence.
Wally Cleaver: (shouting) Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen Rutherford: Might be for you, dear.
Wally Cleaver: Did Dad hit ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Did he yell at ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Then why ya cryin`?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do.
Cornelia Rayburn: (reading the poem Ward wrote for the Beaver to recite at school) The Bear: I would like to be a bear, gay and happy free from care / That`s the life like no other, climbing trees with my mother / Though they call me beast of rage, I`ve never put anything in a cage / Or set a trap since time`s begun, or shot a human with a gun.
Ward Cleaver: Let`s face it, June, Wally and Eddie have been friends for four or five years now - nothing`s ever really happed.
June Cleaver: But Eddie has that look about him that makes you think something`s always about to happen.
Wally Cleaver: (Ward has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a kid)
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper.
Ward Cleaver: Ah, June, Gilbert`s always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?
June Cleaver: Oh, I see her at the supermarket every once in a while. She seems like a calm sensible person.
Ward Cleaver: You can`t really go by that. You might look the same way to her.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come Eddie`s such a creepy guy?
Wally Cleaver: He works at it.
Eddie Haskell: Not me! Your father doesn`t like me.
Wally Cleaver: Why would you say that?
Eddie Haskell: On account of the way he looks at me when he opens the door. Sometimes I think he`d be happier to see Kruschev standing there.
Ward Cleaver: It`s that friend of Beaver`s. You know, the one who always talks like he was just frightened by something.
June Cleaver: Whitey Whitney?
Ward Cleaver: That`s it.
June Cleaver: Dear, do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No, just parents with children.
Wally Cleaver: What a dumb thing to do. I bet you wouldn`t have done anything like this if Mom and Dad were here.
Ward Cleaver: Wally, believe it or not, I was your age once.
Ward Cleaver: I`m going to change my clothes and finish painting those trash cans myself; the boys ran out on the job.
June Cleaver: Well dear you can`t blame them too much, they went over to see the big fire at the lumber yard.
Ward Cleaver: Fire?
June Cleaver: Yes, they couldn`t resist it, and after all they are just boys.
Ward Cleaver: Tom Corton`s lumber yard?
June Cleaver: Yes, it`s been on the radio. Why, they`ve called out fire companies from all over.
Ward Cleaver: Well it must be quite a fire.
June Cleaver: Yes, it must be.
Ward Cleaver: June, I wonder if you`d go out to the garage and put those brushes in some turpentine, I won`t be too long. (Rushes out the back door.)
June Cleaver: Once a boy always a boy.
Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, how come you know so much about buying cars?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, as unbelievable as it may seem they did have cars in my younger days.
Wally Cleaver: Used cars?
Wally Cleaver: Are you being a wise guy?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (to Lumpy) Lumpy Dumpy Rat Rat.
Wally Cleaver: Dry up, Beaver.
Wally Cleaver: Where`d you hear all that jazz?
Wally Cleaver: Are you giving me the business?
Ward Cleaver: How`d the fishing go Beav?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Great Dad. We didn`t catch any fish, but Larry and I saw a man slip on a wet rock and heard everything he said.
June Cleaver: Ward, I`m very worried about the Beaver.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You know something, Wally? I`d rather do nothin` with you than somethin` with anybody else.
June Cleaver: Wally, where are you going?
Wally Cleaver: I`m going over to slug Eddie.
June Cleaver: That`s no way to talk, this is Sunday.
Wally Cleaver: You`re right, I`ll wait `til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you know what Larry was doing was wrong. You could have stopped him.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I have enough trouble keeping myself good without keeping all the other kids good.
Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.
Eddie Haskell: Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I`m gonna - oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I could use my own money, the twenty-five dollars I got in the bank.
Wally Cleaver: I thought you were saving that to go to college.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Larry says he never heard of a college you could go to for twenty-five dollars.
Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee Wally, that`s swell.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, wait`ll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They`ll really give you the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don`t give you the business.
Wally Cleaver: Well, that`s because I`m in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.
June Cleaver: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We`re having roast beef.
Eddie Haskell: No thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We`re having squab this evening.