Karl: (on the phone) Yes, ma'am. I've killed Doyle Hargraves with a lawnmower blade. Yes, ma'am, I'm right sure of it. I hit him two good whacks in the head with it. That second one just plum near cut his head in two... It's a lil' ol' white house on the corner of Vine Street and some other street. There's a pick-up truck out front that says "Doyle Hargraves Construction" on it. Doyle said besides sending the police, you might wanna send an ambulance or a "hearst". I'll be sitting here, waiting on ye.
Doyle: Was you in the nut house for hackin' somebody up with a hatchet?
Karl: I never used no hatchet that I remember. Mmm.
Doyle: So you're just crazy in a retard kind of way, huh? Wouldn't matter to me if you did do violence on someone. I ain't scared of sh*t. You're just a humped-over retard, seems to me. I'm just kiddin'. Welcome to our humble home, Buddy.
Frank: I'd like to kill that son-of-a-b*tch. I hate him.
Karl: You ought not talk that way. You just a boy.
Doyle: Hey is this the kind of retard that drools and rubs sh*t in his hair and all that, 'cause I'm gonna have a hard time eatin' 'round that kind of thing now. Just like I am with antique furniture and midgets. You know that, I can't so much as drink a damn glass of water around a midget or a piece of antique furniture.
Linda: Doyle, you're awful. You shouldn't be that way.
Doyle: I ain't saying it's right, I'm just telling the damn truth. He'll make me sick. I know it.
Charles Bushman: A shovel just makes too goddamned much racket.
Frank Childers: I told you I ain't got no boy, now why don't you get on outta here and let me be. You ain't no kin to me.
Karl: (after a pause) I learned to read some. I read the Bible quite a bit. I can't understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it. Them stories you and Mama told me ain't in there. You ought not done that to your boy. I studied on killing you. Studied on it quite a bit. But I reckon there ain't no need for it if all you're gonna do is sit there in that chair. You'll be dead soon enough and the world 'll be shut of ya. You ought not killed my little brother, he should've had a chance to grow up. He woulda had fun some time.
Charles Bushman: Now... On the third day, I washed her. She wasn't too clean. I got all the right spots. She's the only one I kept for a certain amount of time, because I got a real short attention span. Now, I can't say she enjoyed her stay, but that washcloth I put in her mouth and held it there with a big piece of duct tape kept all her complaining to a min... I don't like people who talk all the time. I like to do all the talking, which is why I think I'm so fond of you, 'cause you're so easy-going. Although I do sense a little tension in you from time to time. So, you were out in the world, huh? What was it like?
Karl: It was too big.
Charles Bushman: Not too big in here, is it?
Karl: There were these two fellars standin' on a bridge, a-goin' to the bathroom. One fellar said, "The water's cold" and the other fellar said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?
Terence: I don't think that's right. I believe the "Dot Dot Dot" come between "Medula" and "Oblongota".
(Morris shakes his head)
Terence: Well, it did!
Morris: The dots are where I say they are. Melody and tune, that's your trade, Terence. You're a tunesmith.
Marsha Dwiggins: Will you ever kill anyone again, Karl?
Karl: I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Mmm.
Doyle: (shouting) We don't got no Goddamn band! We don't need to f**king practice, Randy! We don't no sh*t-ass manager neither! You motherf**kers! You all are a bunch of losers! I'm the only sane son-of-a-b*tch here! So get the *f**k* out of my house now!
Vaughan Cunningham: It's not your house, Doyle, it's Linda's.
Doyle: I'll whip the dog sh*t out of you, Vaughan. I will
Doyle: f**king kill you if you talk to me again!
Linda: Frank's always after a father figure and Lord knows Doyle ain't one with his mean ass.
Vaughan Cunningham: What about me?
Linda: Frank doesn't really see you as a guy-guy.
Vaughan Cunningham: Oh, and Karl's a guy-guy?
Karl: There was a boy. We made friends.
Charles Bushman: Ha ha, I'll bet you did. 'Course I was never bent that way, I was always bent the other way.
Karl: I like them French fried potaters.
Karl: I'm your boy.
Frank Childers: I ain't got no boy.
Karl: I'm your oldest boy. Name of Karl.
Frank Childers: I ain't got no boy.
Karl: They turned me loose from the nervous hospital. 'Said I was well. I got hired on by a Mr. Bill Cox fixing lawnmowers and whatnot. That grass out there in the yard has grown up quite a bit. I reckon I might cut it for you.
Doyle: Your buddy Karl here is going. We can't be no normal family with him living in the garage and comin' in the damn bedroom at 4:00 in the morning, carryin' hammers and sh*t.
Doyle: (Doyle, Vaughan and Karl are in Doyle's truck going to get beer) Not that you two afflicted sumb*tches know anything about this, you're sitting in a crew-cab duallie pickup. In some circles, this is considered a piece of automotive art.
Vaughan Cunningham: Are you sure you can drive? You've really had alot of alcohol.
Doyle: When you been drinking as long as me, Vaughan, you build up a tolerance. Here,
(hands off his beer can)
Doyle: hide that between your legs for me.
Monty Johnson: (the truck picks up speed) Hey Doyle, slow the f**k down!
Vaughan Cunningham: I'm just going to say it. I'm gay. Does that surprise you that I'm gay? You know what gay is, don't you?
Karl: I don't reckon.
Vaughan Cunningham: (quietly) Homosexual. I like men sexually.
Karl: Not funny 'ha-ha', funny queer.
Vaughan Cunningham: Well that's a very offensive way to put it. You shouldn't say that. You were taught that, weren't you?
Karl: I've heard it said that a-way.
Bill Cox: (lawnmower won't start) Karl, see if you can figure out what's wrong with this. It won't crank up and everything seems to be put together right.
Karl: It ain't got no gas in it.
Doyle: I don't guess I give a sh*t. I ain't here that much so if you want a retard living out in the garage, I guess that's your business. But I do got some tools and a set of socket wreches out there I'd rather not have stolen.
Frank: He's real honest. He wouldn't steal nothing.
Doyle: Frankie, I wasn't talking to you, now was I? I was talking to your Mama. It's her decision, not yours. If I let it go on it's because she said so, not you!
Karl: (Eating potted meat) I reckon it tastes alright.
Frank: You really think it's got peckers in there?
Karl: You know better than that. You ought not say that word.
Frank: It smells funny.
Karl: Yeah, it's pretty loud. Looky there. I believe you right. I believe I see one right in there.
Karl: I reckon what yousa wantin' to know is why I'm in here. Reckon the reason I'm in here is cause I've killed somebody, mhm. But I reckon what yousa wantin' to know is how come mea killed somebody, so I'll start at the front and tell ye, mhm... I lived out back of my mother and father's place mosta my life in a little old shed that my daddy had built fur me, mhm. They didn't too much want me up there in the house with the rest of 'em, mhm. So mustley I just sat around out there in the shed and looked at the ground, mhm. I didn't have no floor out there, but I had me a hole dug out to lay down in. Quilt or two tu put down there, mhm. My father was a hard workin' man most of his life. Not that I can say the same for myself. I mostly just sat around out there in the shed, tinkerin' with a lawn mower or two. Went to school off and on from time to time, but the children out there, very cruel to me, made quite a bit a sport of me, make fun of me quite a bit. So mostly, I just sat around out there. In the shed. My daddy worked down there at the saw mill, the plainer mill, for an old man named Dixon. Old man Dixon was very cruel feller. Didn't treat his employees very well, didn't pay 'em too much a wage, didn't pay my daddy too much a wage. Just barely enough to get by on, I reckon, mhm. But I reckon he got by alright. Hmm. I used to come out, one or the other of 'em. Usually my mother, feed me pretty regular, mhm. I know he made enough where I could have mustard and biscuits three or four times a week. Mhm. But old man Dixon, he had a boy. His name was Jesse Dixon. Jesse was really more cruel than his daddy was. He used to make quite a bit a sport with me, when i was down there at the school house. he used to take advantage of little girls there in the neighborhood an' all. He used to say that my mother was a very pretty woman. He said that quite a bit from time to time when I'd be down there at the school house. Well... I reckon you want me tu get on with it and tell you what happened, so I reckon I'll tell ye. I was sittin' out there in the shed one evening, not doin' too much of nothin', just starrin' at the wall, waitin' on my mother to come out and give me my Bible lesson. Mhm. Well, I heard a commotion up there in the house. Mhm. So I run up on the screened-in porch to see what was a-goin' on. I looked in the window there and saw my mother layin' on the floor without any clothes on, hmm. Mhm-hmm. I seen Jesse Dixon layin' on top of her, hmm. He was havin' his way with her. Hmm. Well, I just seen red. I picked up a Kaiser Blade that was sittin' there by the screen door. Some folks call it a Sling Blade, I call it a Kaiser Blade. It's kindly a wood handle, kind of like an axe handle. With a long blade on it shaped kinda like a bananer. Mhm. Sharp on one edge, and dull on the other. Mhm. It's what the highway boys use to cut down weeds and whatnot. Well, I went in there, in the house, and I hit Jesse Dixon upside the head with it, knocked him off my mother, mhm. I reckon that didn't quite satisfy me. So I hit him again with it in the neck, the sharp edge, and just plumb near cut his head off, killed him. My mother she jumped up and started hollerin' "What'd you kill Jesse fur? What'd you kill Jesse fur?" Well... come to find out I don't think my mother minded what Jesse was a-doin' to her. I reckon that made me madder that what Jesse'd made me. So I take the Kaiser Blade, some folks call it a Sling Blade, I call it a Kaiser Blade, and I hit my mother upside the head with it. Killed her.
Doyle: Hey, Vaughan, I heard you been putting it on ol' Albert Sellers who works over at the funeral home.
Vaughan Cunningham: I know Albert. We're friends.
Doyle: No, I heard you're more than friends. I heard Dick Rivers come in there and caught the two of you all bowled up and going at it in the same room with poor Miss Ogletree, her dead as a doornail laid out on a gurney.
Vaughan Cunningham: That is ridiculous. That is just a total lie.
Monty Johnson: This ain't right, Doyle. There IS something wrong with you.
Doyle: Get the f**k out!
Monty Johnson: Nobody wants to take this sh*t, Man!
Bill Cox: Hey, Scooter, did I tell you the one about the two ol' boys p*ssing off a bridge?
Scooter: I don't believe you did.
Bill Cox: Well, there were these two ol' boys and they hung their peckers off a bridge to p*ss. One ol' boy from California, the other from Arkansas. The ol' boy from California says, "Boy, this water's cold", and the ol' boy from Arkansas says, "Yeah, and it's deep too". Get it?
Scooter: (laughs) That's a good one. I do believe you told me that one before. I've heard that one a bunch.
Bill Cox: Yep. That's classic.
Linda Wheatley: I'm gonna make some coffee. Karl, you want some coffee?
Karl: Coffee makes me nervous when I drink it. Mmm.
Vaughan Cunningham: You always seem to be deep in thought. Tell me, what are you thinking right now?
Karl: I was thinkin', I'm gonna take me some of these taters home with me.
Vaughan Cunningham: How about before that?
Karl: Well, let me think... I was thinkin' I could use me another couple cans'o that potted meat if ya got any extree.
Vaughan Cunningham: Please don't tell anybody at the store that Albert was here. You know how this town is. Everybody spreads cruel rumors.
Melinda: You mean about you and Albert being that way...? I think everybody at the store already knows about it. Maureen Ledbetter told the most awful story about why you ain't allowed at the First Baptist Church no more.
Dr. Jerry Woolridge: You sleep with your mama tonight. I'm gonna sleep with your brother so Karl can have your room.
Dr. Jerry Woolridge: 'Cause he's company.
Morris: Dots look good on paper. You don't sing them anyway, you're just showing your true Aries color now.
Doyle: Stay out of my goddam face, you f**king buzzard!
Neighbor: I wish you'd all lay off for tonight! I can't hear myself think with that racket!
Doyle: Hey! HEY!
Neighbor: Knock it off or I'm calling the police!
Doyle: I told you three times already, the law's on my side! I play cards with J.D. Shelnut, chief of PO-lice! So kiss my ass, you old bastard!
Frank Childers: I'd kick your head in 25 years ago, but you're dead, I guess. Where'd you go to?
Bill Cox: How are you coming along with that garden tiller?
Karl: I fixed it. It's workin' pretty good now.
Bill Cox: You done fixed it? Well I'll be damned. Scooter told me it couldn't be fixed. 'Course Scooter is about as shiftless as one poor son of a b*tch can be. You done fixed it. I'll just be damned.
Vaughan Cunningham: Listen, everyone, I've had a few glasses of wine and that tends to make me emotional. It came over me in a rush. I just want you to know that I care about each and every person at this table.
Linda: Thank you, Vaughan. We care about you too, don't we?
Melinda, Frank, Albert: Yes.
Karl: Yes, Sir.
Karl: Reckon you make me some biscuits.
Bill Cox: (about Karl) The son-of-a-b*tch's a regular Eli Whitney on a lawn mower and *loves* French fries. 'Son-of-a-b*tch can eat four larges and not even belch.
Karl: I don't reckon you have to go with women to be a good daddy to a boy. You been real square-dealin' with me. The Bible says two men ought not lay together. But I don't reckon the Good Lord would send anybody like you to Hades. That Frank, he lives inside of his own heart. That's an awful big place to live in. You take good care of that boy.
Vaughan Cunningham: I will. Karl?
Linda Wheatley: Karl, you know what? Melinda here was voted employee of the month at the dollar store last February. Isn't that something?
Karl: Yes ma'am, I reckon.
Melinda: Well, when you like pricing items as much as I do, it's just bound to happen sooner or later, I guess.
Doyle: Believe in the Bible, do ya Karl?
Karl: I don't understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it.
Doyle: Well I can't understand none of it. This one begat that one and that one begat this one, and lo and behold someone says some sh*t to someone else - just how retarded are you?
Charles Bushman: Karl, who'd you kill? Was it the boy?
Karl: Don't you say another word about that boy. Fact'o business, don't you say another word to me. I ain't listening to you no more.
Doyle: What'cha doin' with that lawn mower blade Karl?
Karl: I aim to kill you with it.
Frank: Ever think of killing yourself on purpose like my daddy done?
Karl: I studied about it. The Bible says you ought not to. It says if you do that, you go off to Hades. Some folks call it Hell, I call it Hades.
Charles Bushman: There was a young man by the name of John Leggit Hunter who ran a filling station business, a good filling station business and he's one of these young men we all come across in life, I'm sure you've come across 'em, who did not deserve what he had and what he had was a beautiful young bride named Sarah. She was a Georgia peach. In fact, she was the picture I had in my mind of the perfect woman so I took it upon myself to take her away from John Leggit Hunter who did not deserve her. Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this but he was a Frenchman who claimed to be an Englishman. It took a lot of strong nylon cord to get her away from him because she was a fighter as well as being a Georgia peach.
Doyle: You know what, by God?
Doyle: I know what I oughta do tonight.
Linda: Please don't.
Doyle: Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna call up Morris and have him get the band together. We're gonna have a party. Party our asses off. I'd love to show them that damn Karl. They'd get a real kick out of him. You know they would.
Linda: Please, Doyle, not tonight. They always stay until morning, I'll just give out.
Doyle: You ain't gotta do nothing, Linda. Just put some chips in a bowl and run ice out to us when we look low.
Frank: Last time you got angry and ran Morris and them off and told them to stay away from here.
Doyle: That ain't none of your damn business, besides, that's the way friends do one another! f**k it, I'm calling them up.
Doyle: Hey! I said get out of my house! That goes for c*cks*ckers and retards!
Doyle: To call the police, you push 911 then just tell 'em to bring an ambulance, or a "hearst" if you're gonna kill me.
Melinda: Hi, Karl, I'm on my lunch break. I got you these flowers that were on sale, cause they're not fresh. $2.99, plus by 10% employee discount, since I didn't bring you anything on our date last night. Well, I just thought I'd bring them to you. I enjoyed walking with you. I got a blister the size of a quarter on my heel. Well, see you some time I guess.
(Turns to leave)
Karl: Blisters sure can hurt.
Mrs. Woolridge: Karl, I hear Jerry's taking you somewhere else tomorrow.
Karl: I don't reckon I know nobody named Jerry.
Dr. Jerry Woolridge: She's talking about me, Karl, that's my first name.
Karl: He's carrying me to look for work over in Millsburg where I's borned.
Doyle: Linda, go get my guitar. It's out there with that looney toon.
Doyle: (Karl enters the bedroom, startling Doyle and Linda) Hey! What the God damn hell you doing, Karl? 'The f**k you doing up in the middle of the night?
Linda: What you want, Hon?
Karl: I wanna be baptized.
Doyle: Well get baptized then, I don't give a sh*t. Call up a f**kin' preacher, Goddammit, we can't baptize ya.
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