Captain of Guards: (to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods) You there! Ogre!
Captain of Guards: (to both Shrek and Donkey) By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility.
Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?
(the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same)
Lord Farquaad: (to his knights) The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Ah, Thelonius?
(Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass)
Lord Farquaad: You were saying?
Magic Mirror: (nervous) Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquaad: Go on...
Lord Farquaad: (Shrek has barged into the tournament) Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
(all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek)
Shrek: Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
(holds up a friendly mug, to no avail)
Shrek: No? All right then! COME ON!
(He bursts one of the ale barrels)
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona... she's perfect!
Princess Fiona: (after Shrek and Donkey rescue her) The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no...
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I... have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek: (bangs his head) What? That wasn't in the job description!
The Donkey: Maybe it's a perk!
Princess Fiona: No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss...
The Donkey: With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes!
(Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter)
Princess Fiona: What is so funny?
Shrek: Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right?
Princess Fiona: Fare thee well, ogre.
(leaves with Farquaad)
Princess Fiona: Shrek? I'm... I'm worried about Donkey, he doesn't look so good...
Donkey: What you talking about? I feel fine!
Princess Fiona: Well, that's what they always say, and then, and then, and then next thing you know you're on your back!
(Donkey leers at Fiona)
Princess Fiona: ...Dead!
Donkey: Oh, now I really see what's going on...
Shrek: I don't know what you're talking about...
Donkey: Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!
Shrek: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!
Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!
Shrek: Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...
Donkey: An ogre?
Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey: Where're you going?
Shrek: To get... more firewood.
(Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood)
(Shrek is hit by an arrow)
Princess Fiona: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey: Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!
Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona: (grabs Donkey) Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.
Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit!
(Fiona and Donkey run, Shrek grabs a sword)
Shrek: I'll take care of the Dragon...
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
(Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre)
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...
(Shrek and Fiona kiss)
Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER!
Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back!
(Dragon, having a crush on Donkey, is cuddling him)
Donkey: (desperately talking) I don't want to rush into a... physical relationship... I'm not that emotionally ready for a... uh... commitment of this... uh... magnitude! Really, that's the word I'm looking for, magnitude... Huh! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What're you doing? Okay, okay, okay... let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time... I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know, coz I'm on the road a lot, but I just love to get a card... Hey, hey, hey, don't do that, that's my TAIL, that's my personal tail, you gonna tear it off! I don't give permission to... Hey, what're you gonna do with that? Oh, no, no, no, no... no!
Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?
(staring up at the starry night)
Shrek: (pointing at a constellation) ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey: Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...
Donkey: Okay, now I know you're making that up!
Shrek: (pointing) No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.
Shrek: You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it.
Old Woman: (watching Shrek fight) The chair! Give him the chair!
Lord Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...
(gets eaten by Dragon)
Merry Men: (singing) Ta da, da da da da - whoo!
Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy...
Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage...
Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!
Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
Monsieur Hood: Break it down...
(Merry Men Irish step dance)
Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
Monsieur Hood: Paid!
Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
Merry Man: (joining in) That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!
Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad!
Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start...
(Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops)
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying!
Princess Fiona: You're an ogre...
Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh... this is wrong. This is all wrong! It's not supposed to be an ogre!
The Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.
Donkey: (the bridge is swaying) Don't do that!
Shrek: Don't do what? Oh, you mean this?
(makes the bridge sway)
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes. Yes, do it. Okay.
(sways the bridge some more)
Donkey: No, Shrek!
(Thelonius dunks the Gingerbread Man in a glass of milk)
Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.
Donkey: Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!
Shrek: (about to burst into the cathedral) What are you talking about?
Donkey: The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"
Shrek: I don't have time for all that!
Donkey: (stops Shrek) You love this woman, don't ya?
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Donkey: Please her?
Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!
Shrek: All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
Donkey: ...We gotta check that out.
(Monsieur Hood abducts Fiona)
Shrek: Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own!
Shrek: Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE's the one that wants to marry you.
Princess Fiona: Well, why didn't he come to rescue me?
Shrek: Good question! You can ask him that when we get there...
Princess Fiona: But I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!
Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed!
Shrek: Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier...
Princess Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord "Far-Quad" that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I'll be waiting for him right here!
Shrek: Hey! I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy!
Princess Fiona: You wouldn't dare...!
(Shrek carries her off)
Shrek: You coming, Donkey?
Donkey: Yeah, I'm right behind you.
Shrek: Um... Fiona?
Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?
Shrek: I... I love you.
Princess Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really!
Princess Fiona: Mmmm... I love you too.
(they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... )
Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before...
(turns into an ogre)
Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad: (revolted) It's disgusting!
(Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava)
Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on moving, don't look down...
(a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey... )
Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down!
(arriving at Duloc)
Shrek: (observing a giant building) That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!
Captain of Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Donkey: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?
Shrek: OUR swamp?
Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...
Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek: (sarcastic) No! You think?
Donkey: Are you hiding something?
Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Then why are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Oh, yes you are!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?
Shrek: EVERYONE! All right?
Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere!
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete...
(Shrek spots a lighted window in the Dragon's castle)
Shrek: Well, at least we know where the Princess is. But where's the...?
Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Shrek: (hiding in the toilet) Go away!
Donkey: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!
Shrek: LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey: She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.
Shrek: (comes out) She... wasn't... talking about me?
Magic Mirror: (telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes) So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.
(the mirror shows images of Cinderella)
Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella!
(changes to images of Snow White)
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!
(changes to Princess Fiona)
Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?
(Farquaad's advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying "#3")
Lord Farquaad: Uhhh, Number 3!
Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.
(looking for a certain type of flower)
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!
Donkey: Princess?... You look... uh... different.
Princess Fiona: (as ogre) I'm UGLY! Okay?
Donkey: Yeah! What was it, something you ate? I told Shrek those weedrats were a bad idea!
Princess Fiona: No. it's... it's been this way as long as I can remember.
Donkey: What d'you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before!
Princess Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down.
(looks at her reflection in a water barrel)
Princess Fiona: "By night one way, by day another / Thus shall be the norm / Till you receive true love's kiss / then, take love's true form."
Donkey: Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
Princess Fiona: It's a spell! When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this, this horrible ugly beast! I was placed in the tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad before the sun sets, and he sees me... like this.
Donkey: All right, all right, calm down. It's not so bad. You're not that ugly... well, you are. I ain't gonna lie, you ARE ugly. But you only look like this at night, Shrek's ugly 24/7!
Princess Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess! And this is not how a princess is supposed to look!
Donkey: How about you don't marry Farquaad?
Princess Fiona: I have to. Only the true love's kiss can break the spell.
Donkey: Well, you're kind of an ogre. And you and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common.
Princess Fiona: Shrek?
(Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding)
Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?
(Donkey keeps humming the "Duloc" song)
Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
Donkey: Sorry 'bout that.
(Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing)
Blind Mouse: I found some cheese.
(Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear)
Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff.
Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
Princess Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in "short" supply.
Donkey: Yeah! Though there are those who think "little" of him!
(Fiona notices it's sunset)
Princess Fiona: (uneasy) Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
Princess Fiona: But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!
Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!
Shrek: Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...
Princess Fiona: (in Shrek's face) Find me somewhere to make camp NOW!
(Shrek roars at Donkey)
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary. And if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!
Shrek: Hold the phone.
Captain of Guards: (as Donkey flies through the air on pixie dust) He can talk!
Donkey: That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkeyfly! Ha, ha!
(pixie dust wears off)