Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Shrek: (hiding in the toilet) Go away!
Donkey: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!
Shrek: LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey: She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.
Shrek: (comes out) She... wasn't... talking about me? (imdb.com)
(as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air)
Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead!
Shrek: That's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither... (imdb.com)
(Monsieur Hood abducts Fiona)
Shrek: Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own! (imdb.com)
(arriving at Duloc)
Shrek: (observing a giant building) That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something? (imdb.com)
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit!
(Fiona and Donkey run, Shrek grabs a sword)
Shrek: I'll take care of the Dragon... (imdb.com)
The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.
Princess Fiona: Why... yes!
The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. (imdb.com)
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know. (imdb.com)
Princess Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek: (going to save Donkey) Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona: (shocked) What kind of knight ARE you?
Shrek: One of a kind. (imdb.com)
Captain of Guards: What have you got?
Old Woman: Well, I have a talking donkey.
Captain of Guards: Really? Well, that's good for ten shillings... if you can prove it.
Old Woman: Go ahead, little fella.
(Donkey says nothing)
Captain of Guards: Well?
Old Woman: He's just a little nervous. He's really quite the chatter box. Talk, you stupid dolt...
Captain of Guards: I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Woman: He can talk, really.
Old Woman: (moves Donkey's mouth while trying to throw her voice) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest thing you ever saw.
Captain of Guards: Get her out of my sight! (imdb.com)
Princess Fiona: You're an ogre...
Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh... this is wrong. This is all wrong! It's not supposed to be an ogre! (imdb.com)
(Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing)
Blind Mouse: I found some cheese.
(Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear)
Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff. (imdb.com)
(Shrek roars at Donkey)
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary. And if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something cause your breath STINKS! (imdb.com)
Donkey: Oh, now I really see what's going on...
Shrek: I don't know what you're talking about...
Donkey: Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!
Shrek: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!
Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!
Shrek: Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...
Donkey: An ogre?
Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey: Where're you going?
Shrek: To get... more firewood.
(Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood) (imdb.com)
Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going... take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, I'd step all over it... (imdb.com)
Donkey: All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! (imdb.com)
Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before...
(turns into an ogre)
Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad: (revolted) It's disgusting! (imdb.com)
Donkey: Princess?... You look... uh... different.
Princess Fiona: (as ogre) I'm UGLY! Okay?
Donkey: Yeah! What was it, something you ate? I told Shrek those weedrats were a bad idea!
Princess Fiona: No. it's... it's been this way as long as I can remember.
Donkey: What d'you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before!
Princess Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down.
(looks at her reflection in a water barrel)
Princess Fiona: "By night one way, by day another / Thus shall be the norm / Till you receive true love's kiss / then, take love's true form."
Donkey: Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
Princess Fiona: It's a spell! When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this, this horrible ugly beast! I was placed in the tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad before the sun sets, and he sees me... like this.
Donkey: All right, all right, calm down. It's not so bad. You're not that ugly... well, you are. I ain't gonna lie, you ARE ugly. But you only look like this at night, Shrek's ugly 24/7!
Princess Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess! And this is not how a princess is supposed to look!
Donkey: How about you don't marry Farquaad?
Princess Fiona: I have to. Only the true love's kiss can break the spell.
Donkey: Well, you're kind of an ogre. And you and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common.
Princess Fiona: Shrek? (imdb.com)
Donkey: (the bridge is swaying) Don't do that!
Shrek: Don't do what? Oh, you mean this?
(makes the bridge sway)
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes. Yes, do it. Okay.
(sways the bridge some more)
Donkey: No, Shrek! (imdb.com)
Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?
(Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out)
Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is!
Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?
Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me! (imdb.com)
(Shrek enters the tournament)
Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
(looks at Donkey)
Shrek: It's just a donkey. (imdb.com)
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick! (imdb.com)
(Fiona notices it's sunset)
Princess Fiona: (uneasy) Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
Princess Fiona: But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!
Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!
Shrek: Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...
Princess Fiona: (in Shrek's face) Find me somewhere to make camp NOW! (imdb.com)
Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. (imdb.com)
(Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona)
The Donkey: Shrek!
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
(Fiona burps louder)
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: (to Shrek) She's as nasty as you are. (imdb.com)
Lord Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...
(gets eaten by Dragon) (imdb.com)
Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. (imdb.com)
(eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home)
Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
(big awkward silence ensues)
Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! (imdb.com)
Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?
Shrek: OUR swamp?
Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...
Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek: (sarcastic) No! You think?
Donkey: Are you hiding something?
Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Then why are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Oh, yes you are!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?
Shrek: EVERYONE! All right?
Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere!
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete... (imdb.com)
Donkey: Okay, so here's another question: Say there's a woman who digs you, right, but you really don't like her THAT quick - now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?
Princess Fiona: Just tell her she's not your true love! (imdb.com)
(Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding)
Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding? (imdb.com)
(Dragon, having a crush on Donkey, is cuddling him)
Donkey: (desperately talking) I don't want to rush into a... physical relationship... I'm not that emotionally ready for a... uh... commitment of this... uh... magnitude! Really, that's the word I'm looking for, magnitude... Huh! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What're you doing? Okay, okay, okay... let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time... I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know, coz I'm on the road a lot, but I just love to get a card... Hey, hey, hey, don't do that, that's my TAIL, that's my personal tail, you gonna tear it off! I don't give permission to... Hey, what're you gonna do with that? Oh, no, no, no, no... no! (imdb.com)
Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona... she's perfect! (imdb.com)
Shrek: Um... Fiona?
Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?
Shrek: I... I love you.
Princess Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really!
Princess Fiona: Mmmm... I love you too.
(they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... ) (imdb.com)
(looking for a certain type of flower)
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND! (imdb.com)
(Donkey thinks he's dying)
The Donkey: Oh man. I can't feel my toes.
(Looks down and yelps)
The Donkey: I don't have any toes.
The Donkey: I think I need a hug. (imdb.com)
Shrek: Back off!
Donkey: YOU back off!
Shrek: This is MY swamp!
Donkey: OUR swamp!
Shrek: Let go, Donkey!
Donkey: YOU let go!
Shrek: Stubborn jackass!
Donkey: Smelly ogre!
Shrek: ...Fine! (imdb.com)
(Shrek is hit by an arrow)
Princess Fiona: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey: Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!
Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona: (grabs Donkey) Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey. (imdb.com)
Princess Fiona: (hears a roar) You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek: It's on my to-do list, now come on!
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
(They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims)
Princess Fiona: That's not the point...! (imdb.com)
(arriving at the Dragon's castle)
Shrek: Sure, it's big enough... but look at the location!
(a squad of archers aim at Shrek)
Captain of Guards: Shall I give the order, my Lord?
Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea... (imdb.com)
Princess Fiona: Shrek? I'm... I'm worried about Donkey, he doesn't look so good...
Donkey: What you talking about? I feel fine!
Princess Fiona: Well, that's what they always say, and then, and then, and then next thing you know you're on your back!
(Donkey leers at Fiona)
Princess Fiona: ...Dead! (imdb.com)
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
(holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs)
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes... No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek: (peels an onion) NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
Shrek: I don't care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait's gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! (imdb.com)
(a fairytale book appears)
Shrek: (narrating) Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.
(tears out a page from the book and shuts it)
Shrek: (laughs) Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
(flushes toilet and comes out) (imdb.com)
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
(Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre)
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...
(Shrek and Fiona kiss) (imdb.com)
Lord Farquaad: (playing with Gingy's legs) Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!
Lord Farquaad: (tossing legs away) I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
(spits in Farquaad's face)
Lord Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives down on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man... (imdb.com)
(staring up at the starry night)
Shrek: (pointing at a constellation) ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey: Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...
Donkey: Okay, now I know you're making that up!
Shrek: (pointing) No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.
Shrek: You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it. (imdb.com)
Princess Fiona: (as ogre) Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: (gasps) Oh, my God, you ate the princess! (imdb.com)
(Dragon looms above Donkey)
Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have!
Donkey: I mean, white sparkly teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know something, you're...
(the Dragon looks closer and Donkey sees she's female)
Donkey: A girl dragon... Oh, sure, I mean of COURSE you're a girl dragon! You're just reeking of feminine beauty and... hey, what's the matter with you, you got somethin' in your eye?
(Dragon blows out a heart-shaped cloud of smoke)
Donkey: Ohh... well, you know, I gotta go. I'm an asthmatic, I don't hold with smoke rings and stuff. SHREK!
(Dragon picks Donkey up and carries him away) (imdb.com)
Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey: (gathering branches) I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!
Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!
Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm!
Donkey: Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head! (imdb.com)
(Shrek rescues Fiona)
Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona: (nodes) Mmmhhmm (imdb.com)
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