Mr. & Mrs. Smith Quotes

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Quotations by Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

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(last lines)
John Smith: (at marriage counseling) Ask us the sex question.
Jane Smith: (whispers) John.
John Smith: (softly with his fingers out for ten) Ten. (imdb.com)

John Smith: What's new?
Eddie: Same old. People need killing. (imdb.com)

Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith: Paid actor.
John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"! (imdb.com)

John Smith: (hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through) These doors are handy. (imdb.com)

John Smith: You live with your mother.
Eddie: (offended) Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady! (imdb.com)

John Smith: It's called evasive driving, sweetheart! (imdb.com)

Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
John Smith: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
John Smith: (grabs assault rifle) I'm going to borrow this.
Eddie: I like where your head's at, man. (imdb.com)

Eddie: You gotta take this b*tch out!
John Smith: Don't tell me how to handle my wife. (imdb.com)

John Smith: I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning. (imdb.com)

John Smith: Come to Daddy.
Jane Smith: (after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him) Who's your Daddy now? (imdb.com)

John Smith: You a vegan?
Gwen: No. My girlfriend is. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: (referring to the pursuing cars) They're bulletproof!
John Smith: (having not heard and shot at the cars) They're bulletproof! (imdb.com)

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.
Jane Smith: Hiya back. (imdb.com)

(about the new curtains Jane bought)
Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.
John Smith: All right, I don't like them.
Jane Smith: (pause) You'll get used to them. (imdb.com)

John Smith: Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something! (imdb.com)

(on living with his mother)
Eddie: She cooks and cleans. And *I'm* the dummy? (imdb.com)

(first lines)
John Smith: (at the marriage counselor's) OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
Jane Smith: Six.
John Smith: (chastened) Five, six years. (imdb.com)

Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?
Jane Smith: I don't understand the question. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you. (imdb.com)

Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted. (imdb.com)

John Smith: (comparing injuries with Jane) I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring. (imdb.com)

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
Jane Smith: 312.
John Smith: What? How?
Jane Smith: Some were two at a time. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: (comparing injuries with John) I can't feel anything in these three fingers. (imdb.com)

John Smith: (hotwiring a neighbor's minivan) He's had my barbecue set for months. (imdb.com)

John Smith: Dance with me.
Jane Smith: You don't dance.
John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.
Jane Smith: Was sloth your cover, too? (imdb.com)

John Smith: I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet. (imdb.com)

Eddie: (at the diner) Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: You guys want any dessert?
Eddie: What do ya have honey?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Ice cream...
Eddie: Ice cream? That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...
Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...
(winks to the waitress)
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Could be arranged...
(walks off)
Eddie: Perfect...
(to John)
Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean? (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: You were bait.
Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.
Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait? (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: Any last words?
John Smith: The new curtains are hideous. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: (dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons) Satisfied?
John Smith: Not for years. (imdb.com)

John Smith: We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had. (imdb.com)

John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?
John Smith: No.
Jane Smith: Me neither. (imdb.com)

Mickey - Dive Bar Patron #1: Oh, he's pulled something! (imdb.com)

John Smith: Does that include weekends?
(when asked how many times they have sex) (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
John Smith: Are you kidding me? (imdb.com)

Eddie: Did you get a look at him?
John Smith: Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.
Eddie: Maybe he was Filipino!
John Smith: I'm not even sure it was a him.
Eddie: You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith: I think so. A pro. (imdb.com)

Mom #1: Eddie?
Eddie: (shouts) Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Mom #1: (pause) Never mind. (imdb.com)

John Smith: Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone. (imdb.com)

Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage. (imdb.com)

John Smith: The first time we met, what was your first thought?
Jane Smith: You tell me.
John Smith: I thought... I thought you looked like Christmas morning, I don't know how else to say it.
Jane Smith: And why are you telling me this now?
John Smith: I guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning... so there it is, I thought you should know. (imdb.com)

(about the new curtains Jane bought)
Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.
John Smith: All right, I don't like them.
Jane Smith: (pause) You'll get used to them.
(imdb.com)

Eddie: You gotta take this b*tch out!
John Smith: Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
(imdb.com)

Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.
John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.
Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.
(imdb.com)

John Smith: Oh, you're in trouble now!
(imdb.com)

Jane Smith: There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.
(imdb.com)

John Smith: (while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to they're marriage) I have a theory, newly developed.
Jane Smith: I'm breathless to hear it.
John Smith: I think you killed us.
Jane Smith: Provocative.
John Smith: Why do you care? I was just a cover
Jane Smith: Who says you were just a cover?
John Smith: (pauses) Wasn't I?
(imdb.com)

Jane Smith: (comparing injuries with John) I can't feel anything in these three fingers.
(imdb.com)


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