Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) » Quotes

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(John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar)
Jane Smith: Hey baby. I didn't hear you downstairs.
John Smith: I went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.
Jane Smith: How'd you do?
John Smith: I got Lucky. (

John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.
Jane Smith: Art?
John Smith: History! It's reputable. (

Jasmine: What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible.
Jane Smith: Really? (

Eddie: Are you saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith: I think so. (

Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?
Jane Smith: Garden party, girls. (

John Smith: You looked like Christmas morning.

Jane Smith: You were bait.
Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.
Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?

John Smith: (hotwiring a neighbor's minivan) He's had my barbecue set for months.

Eddie: Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying b*tch.
Jane Smith: This lying b*tch?
Eddie: Guess that was just wishful thinking.

Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.

Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?
John Smith: You are the job.
(John kills everybody in the room)
John Smith: (looking at the cards at the table) Pair of threes.

John Smith: (after Jane escapes on a high wire) Chicken sh*t!
Jane Smith: p*ssy!

Jane Smith: I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.
John Smith: Well, I improvised.
Jane Smith: You deviated from the plan.
John Smith: The plan was flawed.
Jane Smith: The plan was not flawed.
John Smith: Anal.
Jane Smith: *Organized.*
John Smith: Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.
Jane Smith: Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!
John Smith: My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...
Jane Smith: No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.
John Smith: Your *fake* mother's birthday present.
Jane Smith: The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.
John Smith: You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.
Jane Smith: I want someone I can count on.
John Smith: (sigh) Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.
Jane Smith: (irritated) Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?
John Smith: That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?
Jane Smith: Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.
(brooding silence)
Benjamin: (locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice) *Who are you people?*
Jane Smith: (yelling) Shut up!

Jane Smith: I was never in the peace corps.

Jane Smith: Any last words?
John Smith: The new curtains are hideous.

John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

John Smith: (searching for Jane, holding a pistol) Sweetheart...!

John Smith: Web of lies!

John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?
Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

John Smith: Dance with me.
Jane Smith: You don't dance.
John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.
Jane Smith: Was sloth your cover, too?

John Smith: Come to Daddy.
Jane Smith: (after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him) Who's your Daddy now?

John Smith: You live with your mother.
Eddie: (offended) Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady!

Jane Smith: Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.

Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
John Smith: Are you kidding me?

Jasmine: What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible.
Jane Smith: Really?

Mickey - Dive Bar Patron #1: Oh, he's pulled something!

Eddie: (at the diner) Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: You guys want any dessert?
Eddie: What do ya have honey?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Ice cream...
Eddie: Ice cream? That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...
Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...
(winks to the waitress)
Breakfast Diner Waitress: Could be arranged...
(walks off)
Eddie: Perfect...
(to John)
Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?

John Smith: You a vegan?
Gwen: No. My girlfriend is.

John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
(Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently)
John Smith: Honey!
Jane Smith: Wrap it up.
John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
Jane Smith: Sorry.
John Smith: Girls. Where was I?
Benjamin: Mistake on your part.
John Smith: Shut up.

Jane Smith: You really expect me to roll over and play dead?
John Smith: Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage.
Jane Smith: Six... and I'm not leaving.

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.
Jane Smith: Hiya back.

John Smith: Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!

Jane Smith: That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?
John Smith: Jean-Luc Gespar.
Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him.
John Smith: I got it.

John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.
Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

John Smith: (after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg) We'll talk about this later.

Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.

Jane Smith: (dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons) Satisfied?
John Smith: Not for years.

John Smith: What's new?
Eddie: Same old. People need killing.

John Smith: I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.

Jane Smith: (after shooting through a wall at John) Still alive, baby?

(first lines)
John Smith: (at the marriage counselor's) OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
Jane Smith: Six.
John Smith: (chastened) Five, six years.

Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?
John Smith: No.
Jane Smith: Me neither.

Jane Smith: We re-did the house.

Jasmine: Jane, it's your husband!

John Smith: It's called evasive driving, sweetheart!

John Smith: Does that include weekends?
(when asked how many times they have sex)

John Smith: (angry that Benjamin had blown their cover) You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!
Benjamin: Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.

John Smith: We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.

Benjamin: (while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith) Can I have a soda or a juice or...
Benjamin: (Jane hits him with the telephone) A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.
John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.

John Smith: Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.

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