Winifred Sanderson: Oh, cheese and crust! He's lost his head! Damn that Thackery Binx!
Max: (Allison and Dani try attacking Billy) No, no! He's a *good* zombie.
Dani: Hi Billy!
Max: (Over P.A) Welcome to High School Hell. I'm your host, Boris Karloff, Jr. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Winifred Sanderson: (sings while flying) Book! Come to mommy!
Voice of Thackery Binx: (Jumps on the book to prevent it from floating up to Winifred, with a screech) Afraid not!
Winifred Sanderson: Thackery Binx, thou mangy feline; still alive?
Voice of Thackery Binx: And waiting for you!
Winifred Sanderson: Oh! Thou hast waited in vain. And thou will fail to save thy friends, just as thou failed to save thy sister!
(Screams and swoops down toward the cat)
Sarah: I am alive!
Winifred Sanderson: Damn that boy, he's tricked us again.
Mary Sanderson: Oh, you're right, you're always right...
Winifred Sanderson: (Interjects) It's my curse, that and you two! Get off me you thundering oafs!
Max: (after Max drinks the vial) Now you have no choices! You'll have to take me!
(Winifred soars down to Max)
Winifred Sanderson: What a fool to give us thy life... for thy sister's.
Winifred Sanderson: (as she chases Max, Allison, and Dani by truck) Resisting arrest?
Mary Sanderson: Sisters, Satan has married Medusa. See the snakes in her hair.
Little Angel: (to the Sanderson sisters) Bless you!
(the sisters scream)
Bus Driver: Babo, babo! Here comes trouble.
Master: Mary go long...
(Master throws a candy bar to her)
Master: you could be a tight end.
Winifred Sanderson: Well, tell me then, what do you call this contraption?
Bus Driver: I call it... a bus.
Winifred Sanderson: A bus. And its purpose?
Bus Driver: To convey such beautiful creatures such as yourselves to your most... forbidden desires.
Winifred Sanderson: (laughs) "We desire... children.
Bus Driver: Hey, it may take me a couple of tries, but I don't think there will be a problem.
(Sarah is pushed onto the "black river", but lands straight up)
Sarah: 'Tis firm! 'Tis firm as stone!
Winifred Sanderson: Why, it's a road!
Billy Butcherson: (to Winifred, after finally freeing his mouth) Wench! Trollop! You buck-toothed, mop-riding, firefly from hell!
(Winifred yells offensively)
Billy Butcherson: (to Max) I've waited centuries to say that.
Max: (disgusted) Say what you want; just don't breathe on me!
Winifred Sanderson: Billy! I killed you once; I shall kill you again, you maggoty malfeasence! *Hang on to your heads*!
Winifred Sanderson: Sisters! Behold!
Sarah: I. Am. Beautiful! Boys will love me!
Mary Sanderson: (Claps excitedly) We're young!
Winifred Sanderson: Well... youngER. But! It's a start!
Mary Sanderson: (the sisters dance laughing) Oh my, Winifred you are the mere sprig of a girl!
Ernie "Ice": (Jay and Ice are locked in cages) Hollywood, help us out here!
(Max Takes Ice's shoes)
Max: Let's light this s*cker and meet the old broads.
Winifred Sanderson: Damn, damn, damn, double damn!
Master's Wife: Okay that's it, party's over! Get out of my house!
Master: Now, puddin' face...
Master's Wife: Shove it, Satan!
Sarah: Ooh. Thou mustn't speak to Master in such a manner.
Master: They call me Master.
Master's Wife: Wait 'til you see what I'm gonna call you. Now, tart-face, take your Clark bars and get out of my house!
Winifred Sanderson: Make us!
(the witches gather around her)
Master's Wife: Honeybunch...
Master's Wife: Ralph, sic 'em!
(the witches runs out of the house in fear)
Dani: (to Winifred) It doesn't matter how young or old you are, you sold your soul! You're the ugliest thing that ever lived, and you know it!
Dani: It's a full moon tonight. That's when all the weirdos are out.
Max: (looking at the salt can) Well, what does it say?
Allison: Well, it says to form a circle a salt to protect from zombies, witches, and old boyfriends.
Max: And what about new boyfriends?
Mary Sanderson: Its the chocolate covered finger of a man named, Clark!
Winifred Sanderson: My ungodly book speaks to you. On All Hallow's Eve, when the moon is round, a v*rgin, will summon us from under the ground. Oh Oh! We shall be back, and the lives of all the children of Salem will be mine!
(All three witches cackle)
Jay: (with a tree filled full of numerous rolls of toilet paper in the background) You want to smash some pumpkins?
Ernie "Ice": No.
Jay: Well then, do you want to look in windows and watch babes undress?
Ernie "Ice": It's 3am. They're undressed already.
Jay: (throws another roll of toilet paper) Well then you think of something!
Ernie "Ice": (grumpy eating candy) Look, I don't feel so hot.
Jay: It's because you're eating too much candy you oinker!
(hits Ice causing him to drop a piece of candy he was eating)
Winifred Sanderson: Pull over! Let me see your driver's permit!
Emily: Thackery Binx, what took thee so long?
Thackery Binx: I'm sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a v*rgin to light a candle.
Fireman #1: (after the 'burning rain of death' is shut off) Teeangers again.
Fireman #2: I HATE Halloween!
Jay: Oh man, how come it's always the ugly chicks that stay out late?
Winifred Sanderson: (Winnie, Sarah and Mary stop, turn and glare at the boys) Chicks?
Winifred Sanderson: WHY? Why was I cursed with such IDIOT sisters?
Sarah: Just lucky, I guess.
Winifred Sanderson: Oh look, another glorious morning. Makes me SICK!
Emily: Thackery Binx? Where are you Thackery Binx?
Voice of Thackery Binx: (after being run over by a city bus) I hate it when that happens...
Winifred Sanderson: Twist the bones and bend the back
Sarah, Mary Sanderson: Itch-it-a-cop-it-a-Mel-a-ka-mys-ti-ca
Winifred Sanderson: Trim him of his baby fat
Sarah, Mary Sanderson: Itch-it-a-cop-it-a-Mel-a-ka-mys-ti-ca
Winifred Sanderson: Give him fur black as black
Mary Sanderson: Just
Winifred Sanderson, Sarah, Mary Sanderson: Thisssssssssssss...
Jay: So, where're you from?
Max: Los Angeles.
(Jay and Ice look at him with confused looks)
Jay: (Finally getting it) Oh, dude!
Ernie "Ice": Tubular.
Winifred Sanderson: Unfaithful lover long since dead. Deep asleep in thy wormy bed. Wiggle thy toes, open thine eyes, twist thy fingers toward the sky. Life is sweet, be not shy. On thy feet. So sayeth I!
Dani: You saved my life.
Max: I had to. I'm your big brother.
Dani: I love you, jerkface.
Max: I love you, too.
(repeated line, usually when Max is about to do something bold but dumb)
Dani: (gasping) Max, no!
Dani: (as they plan to go to the Snaderson house) Max, I'm not going up there. My friends at school told me all about that place. It's weird!
Max: Dani, this is the girl of my dreams.
Dani: So take her to the movies like a normal person.
Max: Dani! Look just do this one thing for me, and I'll do anything you say. Please? Please? Please?
Dani: Okay, okay. Next year, we go trick-or-treating as Wendy and Peter Pan...
(looks him straight in the eye)
Dani: ... with tights or it's no deal.
Max: (as Dani attempts to leave) Okay, okay, deal, deal.
Max: You've messed with the great and powerful Max! Now you must suffer the consequences! I'm going to summon the burning rain of death!
Winifred Sanderson, Sarah, Mary Sanderson: (murmuring together) The burning rain of death?
Max: (lights lighter)
Winifred Sanderson: Look, he makes fire in his hand.
Max: (raises lighter to sprinkler, and the spreads out his arms wide)
Winifred Sanderson: It's the burning rain of death! Come you fools!
(pulls them off to the side)
Max: (suddenly startled by Dave in a vampire costume) Oh! Dad.
Dave: It's not dad. It's Dadcula.
Dave: Oh, my goodness. Who must this charming young blood donor be?
(kisses Allison's hand)
Max: Dad! Something terrible happened.
Dave: (suddenly concerned) Danni? What's wrong? Wh - Wh...
Max: No, Dani's fine.
Dave: (sighs) Good.
Dave: Excuse me. Come here.
(he leads Max away)
Dani: (looks for Jenny, and finds her) Mom?
(Jenny turns around in a Madonna costume)
Dani: What are you supposed to be?
Jenny: Madonna. Well, you know - Well, obviously. Don't ya think?
Dave: Shoot, Max. Look, whatever it is, just tell me.
Dani: (to Jenny) Come here.
Dani: This cat here, Binx, right? He can talk. My brother's a v*rgin: he lit the black flame candle. The witches are back from the dead and they're after us. We need help.
Jenny: How much candy have you had, honey?
Dani: Mom, I haven't O.D.'d. I haven't even had a piece. They're real witches, they can fly, and they're gonna eat all the kids in Salem. They're real!
Jenny: All right, let's just find your father.
Billy Butcherson: Go to hell!
Winifred Sanderson: Oh! I've been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.
Jenny: Hey, Max, how was school?
Max: It s*cked!
Dave: Hey, watch your language.
(Max goes upstairs and slams his bedroom door)
Max: I can't believe you made me move here!
Jenny: Hmm, he wasn't wearing any shoes.
Dave: Must be some form of protest.
(Max has just run into the two town bullies coming home from school one afternoon)
Jay: Halt! Who are you?
Max: Max. Max Dennison. I just moved here.
Jay: From where?
Max: Los Angeles.
(the bullies give dumbfound looks)
Jay: Ohhh. Dude.
Ernie "Ice": Tubular.
Jay: I'm Jay. This is Ernie.
Ernie "Ice": (grabs Jay) How many times do I got to tell you. My name's not Ernie no more. It's Ice.
Jay: (silently) All right. Ice.
Jay: This is Ice.
(ErnieIce turns around to reveal the name ICE shaved into the back of his tough crew cut)
Jay: (now changing the subject) So let's have a butt.
Max: No thanks. I don't smoke.
Ernie "Ice": They're very health conscious in Los Angeles.
Jay: (laughs) Ah hah hah hah hah.
(Ice chuckles too)
Jay: You got any cash. Hollywood.
Ernie "Ice": Gee. We don't get any cash. We don't get any smokes from you. What am I supposed to do with my afternoon?
Max: Maybe you could learn to breath through your nose.
Jay: (again laughs) Ah hah hah hah hah.
(Ice doesn't laugh this time)
Jay: (sees Max's shoes) Whoa. Check out the new cross trainers.
Ernie "Ice": Let me try them on.
(Max tries to take off)
Jay: (stops him) Uh uh.
(time passes as Max is going home in his stocking feet)
Jay: (in the distance) Later dude.
Ernie "Ice": (in the distance) See ya Hollywood.
Winifred Sanderson: Therefore, it stands to reason, does it not sisters dear? That we must find the book, brew the potion and s*ck the lives out of the children of Salem before sunrise. Otherwise it's curtains. We evaporate! We cease to exist! Dost thou comprehend?
Mary Sanderson: You explained it beautifully, Winnie. They way in which you started out with the adventure part and slowly...
Sarah: Explained what?
Winifred Sanderson: Come, we fly!
Winifred Sanderson: Don't get your knickers in a twist! We're just three kindly old spinster ladies.
Mary Sanderson: Spending a quiet evening at home.
Sarah: s*cking the lives out of little children!
(Winifred chokes Sarah)
Thackery Binx: Elijah! Elijah!
(he runs up to Elijah)
Thackery Binx: Hast thou seen my sister Emily?
Elijah: Nay. But look.
(he points to purple smoke in the sky)
Elijah: They conjure.
Thackery Binx: Oh, God. The woods!
(he and Elijah run towards the field and see Sarah leading Emily into the woods)
Thackery Binx: Emily!
Elijah: She's done for.
Thackery Binx: Not yet! You wake my father. Summon the elders. Go!
(Elijah races off whie Thackery heads for the woods)
Dani: Officer! Officer!
Allison: Officer, we need your help.
Cop: What's the problem?
Dani: (to Max) Tell him.
Allison: Go ahead.
Max: (nervously) Well, um - well, you see - I just moved here. Well, you see? It's like this: I - I broke into the old Sanderson house and I brought the witches back from the dead. See, I even have the book.
Cop: (disapprovingly) You lit the Black-Flamed Candle?
Cop: Come on. Okay, let's get on the sidewalk
Dani: And he's a v*rgin.
(the cop stares at them)
Cop: (to Max) Come here.
(Max comes closer to him)
Cop: (whispers) Are you a v*rgin?
Max: Look, I'll get it tattooed on my forehead, okay?
Sarah: (singing in the sky) Come little children, I'll take thee away / Into a land of enchantment / Come little children, the times come to play / Here in my garden of magic.
Max: What happened?
Dani: (re-adjusts her witch's hat and says in a disgusted tone) A v*rgin... lit the candle.