Cheaper by the Dozen Quotes

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Mark: Have you seen Beans dad?
Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.
Mark: It's Mark.
Tom: I knew that. (imdb.com)

Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.
Tom: (huddled in the closet) Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.
(an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet)
Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.
Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.
Tom: bye.
(hangs up)
Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Baker: Take it like a man! (imdb.com)

(last lines)
Kate: (voiceover) I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. (imdb.com)

Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,
(looks real serious)
Jake: eleven. (imdb.com)

Tom: (while they're hanging from the chandelier) So, Dylan, know any good restaurants? (imdb.com)

Kate: (referring to Hank) He's not a doorknob.
Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.
Kate: Yeah that's weird. (imdb.com)

(phone rings and Mike gets it)
Mike: Hello?... Whos this?...
(hands the phone to his mom)
Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'. (imdb.com)

Jessica Baker: Dad, can I kill Jake now?
Tom: No, finish washing the car first! (imdb.com)

Nora: I've searched everywhere. Nothing.
Tom: Where's Hank?
Nora: He's not going to make the cut.
Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame.
Nora: (smiles) They're totally to blame.
(hug) (imdb.com)

Tom: She says she will help us out if they can stay in the same room.
Kate: No. No way. No, she knows the rules.
(Talking to the kids)
Kate: She wants to have her own room when she's here isn't that sweet,
(to Tom)
Kate: no. (imdb.com)

Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah Baker: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?
Mark: Stop calling me that! (imdb.com)

Kate: Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home. (imdb.com)

Mike: We're gonna move!
(Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute)
Mike: Ahhhh! (imdb.com)

(With his football players)
Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break. (imdb.com)

Lorraine: Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad? (imdb.com)

Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!
Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV! (imdb.com)

Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.
Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine. (imdb.com)

Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes. (imdb.com)

Mike: (shouts) Heads up!
(Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face)
Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.
Tom: (throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it)
Mike: Got it.
Mike: (shouts) Game on! (imdb.com)

Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
Kate: Oh no. We have 12.
Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me. (imdb.com)

Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and s*ckier"?
Mike: First dad forces us to move
Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe
Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!
Mark: And he hates kids too. (imdb.com)

Kate: You need a paramedic?
Tom: No, just a pair o' knees. (imdb.com)

Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates.
Kate: Dude, three words: paper route. (imdb.com)

Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Charlie: Then I'm good. (imdb.com)

Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot. (imdb.com)

Tom: (phoning a "nanny" service) Hello my name is Tom Baker and I am interested in hiring a domestic helper.
(responding to question on phone)
Tom: I have twelve kids.
(person on phone says something)
Tom: Actually I am serious.
Tom: (next call) Just twelve
Tom: (next call) There's only two, oh plus ten.
Tom: (next call) How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.
Tom: (next call) Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.
Tom: (next call) Uh, a dozen.
Tom: (next call) Just, just twelve.
Tom: (last call) Hello, I'll just hang up by myself. (imdb.com)

Tom: (when Kate leaves) Little Vampires, my plan worked. She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!
(kids stare blankly)
Tom: C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.
(kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away) (imdb.com)

Kate: My book's getting published.
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: (Sweeping Kate onto the bed) I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: (Rushing from the room) Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: (Between kisses) Can you hurry? (imdb.com)

Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.
Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.
Mike: You do now!
(Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand)
Cooper: My latte! (imdb.com)

Hank: (motions to his face) This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that. (imdb.com)

Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?
Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.
Kate: Whoo! (imdb.com)

Jake: Want to play catch with the football I got you?
Dylan Shenk: My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Jake: Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.
(imdb.com)

Sarah Baker: (hits the bathroom door with her lacrosse stick before Tom pulls her away) You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess!
Lorraine: (sighs) You blew my concentration.
(smiles happily)
Lorraine: Now i get to start all over again. Ha.
(imdb.com)

Mark: Have you seen my frog dad?
Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.
Mark: It's Mark.
Tom: I knew that.
(imdb.com)

Nora: I've searched everywhere. Nothing.
Tom: Where's Hank?
Nora: He's not going to make the cut.
Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame.
Nora: (smiles) They're totally to blame.
(hug)
(imdb.com)

Lorraine: (walks into kitchen) I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.
Tom: Three.
Lorraine: Done.
Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.
(imdb.com)

Tom: She says she will help out here only if she and Hank can stay in the same room.
Kate: No. Isn't that sweet kids, Nora wants to have her own room. No.
(imdb.com)

Jessica Baker: Dad, can I kill Jake now?
Tom: No, finish washing the car first!
(imdb.com)

Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.
(imdb.com)

Kate: (referring to Hank) He's not a doorknob.
Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.
Kate: Yeah that's weird.
(imdb.com)

Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.
Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
(imdb.com)

Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah Baker: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?
Mark: Stop calling me that!
(imdb.com)

Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.
Tom: (huddled in the closet) Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.
(an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet)
Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.
Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.
Tom: bye.
(hangs up)
Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!
(imdb.com)

(Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank)
Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
(imdb.com)

Sarah Baker: Release the hound!
(imdb.com)

Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
Kate: Oh no. We have 12.
Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.
(imdb.com)

Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!
Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
(imdb.com)

Tom: (picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce) Ah... Pasta de la croch.
(imdb.com)

Tom: (while they're hanging from the chandelier) So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?
(imdb.com)

(With his football players)
Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
(imdb.com)


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