Tom: I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family. (imdb.com)
Lorraine: Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas.
Henry Baker: Jesus died on Easter, Barbie!
Jessica Baker: Jesus was resurrected on Easter, moron. (imdb.com)
Tom: You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong. (imdb.com)
Kate: (referring to Hank) He's not a doorknob.
Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.
Kate: Yeah that's weird. (imdb.com)
Kate: Look alive. (imdb.com)
Tom: (when Kate leaves) I have done it, she is gone! Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!
(kids stare blankly)
Tom: C'mon, Dad's in charge now, you can... eat candy for breakfast, sleep in, wear shoes in the house, it'll be great!
(kids continue to stare blankly. Tom finally gives up)
Tom: Yeah, I know, let's go inside.
Hank: So, you guys popping another one anytime soon?
(Tom and Kate looking shocked)
Tom: (after him and Dylan and the chandelier have crashed to the floor) You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here... l really hated that chandelier.
Lorraine: Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?
Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?
Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.
Kate: Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Charlie: Then I'm good.
Jessica Baker: (about Mark) Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Kate: My book's getting published.
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: (Sweeping Kate onto the bed) I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: (Rushing from the room) Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: (Between kisses) Can you hurry?
Kate: You need a paramedic?
Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.
Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates.
Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.
Kate Baker: Like you said, twelve's a big number...
Sarah Baker: Classic.
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Sarah Baker: Yes!
Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.
Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!
Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,
(looks real serious)
Jessica Baker: Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!
Kate: (seeing Nora making out with Hank on the couch in front of the family) Nora, sweetie, want to help me in the kitchen?
(after Nora doesn't respond, she claps)
Kate: NORA, STOP!
(Nora breaks away from Hank)
Kate: Want to help me in the kitchen, look at a picture of grandma, say the rosary? Come one, let's move.
Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and s*ckier"?
Mike: First dad forces us to move
Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe
Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!
Mark: And he hates kids too.
Tom: (phoning a "nanny" service - middle of calls) How many kids do I have? Twelve, but one doesn't live with me and one you never see cuz he's so mad.
Tom: I have 2 kids, plus 10.
Tom: Hello, I'll just hang up on myself.
(hangs the phone up)
Lorraine: Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.
Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.
Mike: You do now!
(Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand)
Cooper: My latte!
Mike: We're gonna move!
(Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute)
Hank: Twelve kids... that's nuts.
Tom: They're like kittens.
Nora: Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family.
Hank: They set me on fire.
Nora: Just your pants.
Mike: (shouts) Heads up!
(Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face)
Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.
Tom: (throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it)
Mike: Got it.
Mike: (shouts) Game on!
Tom: Clean up on aisle 12.
Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
Shake: (to another person while Kate is in the room) Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
Kate: The Wife's name is "Kate", Shake.
Kate: (voiceover) I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
Kim Baker: Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?
Hank: (motions to his face) This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.
Hank: (with passion) Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks...
Nora: (talking on the phone) It totally s*cks!
Tom: Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.
Nigel Baker: Yeah, the hot dog.
(Tom gives him a look)
Nigel Baker: Mom said it first.
Shake: We're having adult time here, boys.
Kyle Baker: No idea what that means.
Tom: Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.
Kyle Baker: Sounds wicked boring.
Shake: It is. So why don't you run along?
Kyle Baker: Mom's right. He is a weiner.
Sarah Baker: Great. In Midland we were a Family. Now were a support system?
Lorraine Baker: A Family is a Support System, Butch
(phone rings and Mike gets it)
Mike: Hello?... Whos this?...
(hands the phone to his mom)
Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'.
(With his football players)
Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
Tom: (while they're hanging from the chandelier) So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?
Tom: (picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce) Ah... Pasta de la croch.
Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!
Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
Kate: Oh no. We have 12.
Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.
Sarah Baker: Release the hound!
(Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank)
Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.
Tom: (huddled in the closet) Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.
(an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet)
Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.
Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.
Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!
Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah Baker: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?
Mark: Stop calling me that!