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Dean Vernon Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They`re each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horsesh*t, son. I`ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg Marmalard: You`re talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Of course I`m talking about Delta, you TWERP!

Mac McGrath: Are you gonna see him again tonight?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Yes. I`m calling him around 4. It`s when I get off work. Remember, I am Pam Dawson, v*rgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.
Mac McGrath: Ha ha, that`s priceless... YOU a v*rgin! Ha ha ha!

Barry B. Benson: Three days of grade school, three days of high school...
Adam Flayman: Those were tough days.
Barry B. Benson: ...three days of college, I`m glad I took a day off in the middle to hitchhike around the hive.
Adam Flayman: You did come back different.

Carmen Lopez: Hey, I`m gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.
George Lopez: Y`know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job.
Carmen Lopez: Really? Where? Please tell me it`s the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency?
George Lopez: Well, I could make a phone call. Y`know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.
(primping in a mirror)
George Lopez: And Travis, so, owes me.
Carmen: Dad.
(her father in a primping zone)
Carmen: Daaaad.
George Lopez: Huh?
Carmen Lopez: Where`s the job?
George Lopez: I`ll talk to Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: Mr. No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don`t wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos!
George Lopez: Hey, I work there all through high school, okay. You`d be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: What if one of my friends see me working there?
George Lopez: Hey, it`d less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties.
Carmen Lopez: Okay, I`ll do it.

(when their daughter is late from school)
George: Okay, I`m here. Have you found Carmen yet?
Angie: No, And I`m worried sick. It`s her first day at a new school, and she should`ve been home an hour ago.
George: Come on, it`s an hour. She`s got no money. She`s got no friends. She`s probably walking around the mall crying.

Willis Jackson: (Arnold refuses to fight the school bully) Alright, Arnold. Then I`ll just tell Mr. Drummond what a coward you are. He`ll talk some sense into you. Think he wants a coward for a son?
Arnold Jackson: Awww Willis, please don`t say anything to him.
Willis Jackson: Well, somebody`s gotta make a man outta you.
Arnold Jackson: What`s the rush? I`m barely outta toilet-training.

Dr. Sam Loomis: Did you see the blackboard back there in the elementary school?
Marion Chambers: Yeah.
Dr. Sam Loomis: In order to appease the gods, the Druid priests held fire rituals. Prisoners of war, criminals, the insane, animals... were... burned alive in baskets. By observing the way they died, the Druids believed they could see omens of the future. Two thousand years later, we`ve come no further. Samhain isn`t evil spirits. It isn`t goblins, ghosts or witches. It`s the unconscious mind. We`re all afraid of the dark inside ourselves.

Blane: How are you doing?
Andie: Why haven`t you called me?
Blane: Oh, I got nailed for the stable thing. I guess the groom saw us. It`s against the rules.
Andie: I called you three times and i left messages.
Blane: Yeah? Well I didn`t get them. My family... they`re irresponsible about that stuff, you know?
Andie: I waited for you this morning.
Blane: Yeah? Where?
Andie: Parking lot. I saw you and I thought you saw me.
Blane: No.
Andie: What about prom, Blane?
Blane: Andie, I`m having a bad day. Can we talk later?
Andie: No. What about prom?
Blane: Why don`t we meet after school?
Andie: No! What abot prom?
Blane: Andie, come on.
Andie: Just say it.
Blane: What?
Andie: Just say it. I wanna hear you say it.
Blane: Andie, please, all right?
Andie: I wanna hear you say it.
Blane: A month ago, I asked somebody else and I forgot.
(Andie pushes him against a locker)
Andie: YOu`re a liar! You`re a filthy, f**king, no-good liar. You don`t have the guts to tell me the truth. Just say it!
Blane: I`m not lying.
Andie: Tell me!

Michael: Did you explain school to him?
Elliot: How do you explain school to higher intelligence?
Michael: Maybe he`s not that smart. Maybe he`s like a worker bee who only knows how to push buttons or something.
Elliot: (knowingly) He`s so smart.
Michael: Okay, I just hope we don`t wake up on Mars or something surrounded by millions of these little squashy guys.

(Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age)
Slater: (smiling) So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU`RE bats, screech. "The Attic" is an `over 18` club, and Zack`s only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we`ll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.

(the gang rewrites the words to Screech`s corny school song before they decide to sing)
Screech: You hooligans. You demolished my song.
Lisa: No we didn`t, Screech. It still says "Bayside".
Slater: Yeah, and we even left the words you put in: "it", "and", "the", "Bayside".
Screech: Oh... well in that case, it`s ok then.

Zack: (Screech brings Zack to the school old radio station in the basement of the school) Hey, Screech, I thought I knew every hiding place in this school. How did you find it?
Screech: Oh, a bully dumped me down the garbage chute. Someday I`m gonna get even with that girl.

Diane: Sweetheart, last night, when you said "They`re here.`...
Carol Anne: Can I take my goldfish to school?
Diane: Sweetheart, do you remember last night when you woke up, and you said "They`re here.`?
Carol Anne: Uh huh
Diane: Well, who did you mean?
Carol Anne: The TV People.
Robbie: She`s stoned.
Dana: Oh yeah? What do you know about it?
Robbie: More than you. Ask Dad.

Simon: Ruthie... how ya doing?
Ruthie: Fine, how are you doing?
Simon: Fine... but I`m not in school.
Ruthie: ...bye.
Simon: Wait... how is school?
Ruthie: Fine, except for algerbra.
Simon: You`re lying... no one said anything to you about me?
Ruthie: Well, why would they?
Simon: Becase I`m your brother and... the kid on the bike was your age.
Ruthie: He didn`t go to my school.
Simon: Look, you don`t have to protect me. I have it easier than you, I`m not in school.
Ruthie: (hugs him) Simon, no one has it harder than you.

Amber Von Tussle: (Amber is gossiping with two friends in school) Anyway, she was right there in the car, in plain sight of just everybody at the hop. She was NUDE.
Amber`s school friend #1: No!
Amber`s school friend #2: That fat thing?
Amber Von Tussle: Tracy Turnblad is a wh*re.

"Glenn Miller okayed it for me to come and sing with the band for two weeks. Well, I had to get an okay from my father who had to get an okay from the school board. But, everything was worked out, and I sang with the Glenn Miller Band for two weeks at the Glen Island Casino. It was like a movie set! I`d never worked a place like that! (in) Oklahoma we don`t have that kind of water! We were right on the New England Sound. When I got up to sing, my God! I was overlooking the water... and the moon... I thought it was just wonderful!"

Deborah Myers: Again? Again? Jesus, what is it with you and this goddamn school? I cannot keep coming down here like this!
Principal Chambers: Look Ms. Myers, I do not enjoy calling you down here every five minutes.
Deborah Myers: Really? It sure seems like you f**kin` do!

Jack Taggart, Jr.: Are you still there?
Buck: I`m so f**king still here!
Jack Taggart, Jr.: Okay. Okay. Just say again what you just told me.
Buck: We`re not playing games here, alright?
Jack Taggart, Jr.: Just say it man!
Buck: We are trapped in a broken down school bus out on East 9. And something is going to kill us if we don`t get help out here right away!

Avery Bishop: If you ever want me to be with another woman for you, I`d do it. It`s not something I`m interested in. Once, yeah, it seemed normal, but it was just a phase, a college thing, like torn Levi`s or law school for you. Would you like something from the kitchen? I`m gonna get some fruit.

(Peter watches as Ellie dunks her donut)
Peter Warne: Say, where`d you learn to dunk? In finishing school?
Ellie Andrews: Aw, now don`t you start telling me I shouldn`t dunk.
Peter Warne: Of course you shouldn`t - you don`t know how to do it. Dunking`s an art. Don`t let it soak so long. A dip and
(he stuffs the donut in his mouth)
Peter Warne: plop, in your mouth. You let it hang there too long, it`ll get soft and fall off. It`s all a matter of timing. Aw, I oughta write a book about it.
Ellie Andrews: (Laughs) Thanks, professor.
Peter Warne: Just goes to show you - twenty millions, and you don`t know how to dunk.
Ellie Andrews: Oh, I`d change places with a plumber`s daughter any day.

Grandpa: Meg you`re making everybody crazy, you`re on me all the time about the marrage, you`re all over Angus about the science school crap...
Meg Bethune: Its not crap dad!
Grandpa: Its crap!
Meg Bethune: Its a wonderful opportunity for him, a chance to excel in something he`s really great at. Its good for Angus. Its also an opportunity for him to go someplace where he doesn`t have to account for who his parents are.
Grandpa: Screw what other people think! He doesn`t have to prove anything!
Meg Bethune: Neither does he. This dance thing is a prank. I don`t want him humiliated infront of the whole school.
Grandpa: You know what you`re doing? You`re not giving the boy credit for being strong.
Meg Bethune: Do you know every time he sits down in the cafeteria, the kids jump up like they`re being thrown off the bench? They call him big foot.
Grandpa: He never mentioned that to me.
Meg Bethune: He never told me either. Do you know what they did with his underwear? They ran it up the flag pole just to humilate him. And he gets up and goes back there every single day. Don`t you tell me I don`t know how strong my son is. I know. And if he wants to go to any god damn school where kids won`t slap their belly every time he walks by, then he damn well can.
Grandpa: That was you kid, third grade. Look how you turned out.

Mary Keaton, aka Mary Bernard: (At the State Reform School for girls, an inmate is at the piano singing the song "Diane", which includes the lyric "I`m in heaven when I see you smile".) Will ya stop remindin` me of heaven... when I`m so close to the other place?
Prisoner at Checkers Table: What`s the matter Mary? Don`t you like our little hotel?
Mary Keaton, aka Mary Bernard: Oh, I think it`s swell. The ventilation is great, my room has a southern exposure, the rates are cheap, but somehow or other the atmosphere is too confining.
Fat Prisoner: Don`t let it getcha down, kid. At least we don`t have to wait in line for a bowl of soup like they do outside.
Mrs. Black, Prisoner at Checkers Table: Don`t be always a-stewin`, dearie. You only get your insides in an uproar, and for what? You`re in and you`re gonna stay in till they get even with ya for bustin` the rules.
Mary Keaton, aka Mary Bernard: Yeah, I`m in alright, but that don`t mean I hafta like it.

Bud: I want to be sincere with you and tell you how much this calendar means to me. Um, Crystal, I don`t talk about my brother much. But, well, Judd and I... We were born Siamese twins. We shared everything, we had to. And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways. I went to school and Judd went into a Mason jar. We don`t expect him to live very long, I mean he`s not much more than an eye, a foot and some hair. But you see I made him this solemn promise that I would make him a calendar of the best damn good looking girls at Trumaine. So Crystal, if you can`t do this for me, do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar. What do you say?
(Crystal glares at him)
Bud: O.K.

Bud: Hi, Kel. How`d your audition go?
Kelly: I`m so mad. Before I even got there to audition, they gave the role to another girl.
Bud: Oh, yeah, who?
Kelly: Meryl Streep. I mean what`s she got that I don`t have.
Bud: You mean besides the Oscar nominations, the Emmy, the Yale Drama School education and your job?
Kelly: Yeah.
Bud: Think carefully, Kel. It starts with "T".
Kelly: Shuh, I have those!
Bud: I`m talking about talent, Gump.

J.D.: Hey Sandy! It`s me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?
Sandy: Um, no I don`t think I recall...
J.D.: Yeah, c`mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?
Sandy: Um...
J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?
Sandy: No, JD, I really...
J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can`t grow hair on my left nut. s*cks.

Solomon Vandy: Dia, What are you doing? Dia! Look at me, look at me. What are you doing? You are Dia Vendy, of the proud Mende tribe. You are a good boy who loves soccer and school. Your mother loves you so much. She waits by the fire making plantains, and red palm oil stew with your sister N`Yanda and the new baby. The cows wait for you. And Babu, the wild dog who minds no one but you. I know they made you do bad things, but you are not a bad boy. I am your father who loves you. And you will come home with me and be my son again.

Ray Ferrier: (playing catch with Robbie) Mom says you got a report due on Monday?
Robbie Ferrier: Yeah, I`ve already written it, I just gotta finish typing it.
Ray Ferrier: Yeah, bullsh*t.
Robbie Ferrier: Yeah? So what do you know, Ray?
Ray Ferrier: Everything. Between me and my brother, we know everything.
Rachel Ferrier: What is the capital of Australia?
Ray Ferrier: That`s one my brother knows.
Robbie Ferrier: I`m sure you`ve got a laugh out of the first hundred times you`ve told that one, Ray.
Ray Ferrier: Just do your report, we don`t send you to school so you can flunk out.
Robbie Ferrier: You don`t pay for it, Tim does.
Ray Ferrier: (hesitates furiously for a second, then throws the ball really hard at Robbie, Robbie catches it hardly) That`s half of what I got.
Robbie Ferrier: You`re an a**h*le.
(throws the ball hard at Ray)
Robbie Ferrier: I hate coming here.
Ray Ferrier: That why you act like such a dick?
(throws the ball super hard, but Robbie steps out of the way and allows the ball to crash through the window)

Peter Griffin: (giving a speech running for school board) This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don`t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer)
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you`d do if you had a million dollars and you didn`t have to work. And invariably what you`d say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you`re supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that`s why I`m working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you`re working at Initech because that question is bullsh*t to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there`d be no janitors, because no one would clean sh*t up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities...
Michael Bolton: Samir, you`re missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you`re supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...
(printer starts beeping)
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the f**k does that mean?

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I`m a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I`ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU`RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I`m qualified?

Big Red: I`m sexy, I`m cute, / I`m popular to boot.
The Toros Squad: I`m b*tchin`, great hair, / The boys all love to stare, / I`m wanted, I`m hot, / I`m everything you`re not, / I`m pretty, I`m cool, / I dominate the school, / Who am I? Just guess, / Guys wanna touch my chest, / I`m rockin`, I smile, / And many think I`m vile, / I`m flyin`, I jump, / You can look but don`t you hump, / Whoo / I`m major, I roar, / I swear I`m not a wh*re, / We cheer and we lead, / We act like we`re on speed, / You hate us `cause we`re beautiful, / Well we don`t like you either, / We`re cheerleaders, / We are cheerleaders. /Roll call...
Big Red: Call me Big Red.
Whitney: W-W-W-W-Whitney.
Courtney: C-C-C-C-Courtney.
(Courtney makes cat snarl)
Darcy: Dude, it`s Darcy.
Carver: I`m big bad Carver. Yeah!
Kasey: Just call me Kasey!
Big Red: I`m... still Big Red, / I sizzle, I scorch, / But now I pass the torch, / The ballots are in, / And one girl had to win, / She`s perky, she`s fun, / And now she`s number one, / K-K-Kick it Torrance, / T-T-T-Torrance!
Torrance Shipman: I`m strong and I`m loud, / I`m gonna make you proud, / I`m T-T-T-Torrance, / Your captain Torrance.
The Toros Squad: Let`s go Toros. /We are the Toros, / The Mighty Mighty Toros, / We`re so teriffic, / We must be Toros.

Darcy: Can she yell?
Torrance Shipman: I don`t know, let`s try an oldie.
(Torrance tests a standard cheer on her)
Torrance Shipman: Awesome, oh wow! Like, totally freak me out! I mean, right on! The Toros sure are number one!
Missy: (cheering) I transferred from Los Angeles, your school has no gymnastics team, this is a last resort!
(back to normal tone)
Missy: OK, so I never cheered before. So what? What about doing something that actually requires neurons.

Brody: (Drunk) I`m tellin` ya, the crime rate in New York`ll kill you. There`s so many problems, you never feel like you`re accomplishing anything. Violence, rip-offs, muggings... kids can`t leave the house - you gotta walk them to school. But in Amity one man can make a difference. In twenty-five years, there`s never been a shooting or a murder in this town.
Hooper: Fascinating. Want a pretzel?
Brody: Where are we?

(Sal watched his factory of stolen merchandise become raided by the NYPD on the news)
Sal Maggio: (disappointed) Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.
(Waffles, Louis` puppy growls)
Louis: Shh! Waffles!
Charlie: Sal, we can explain...
Sal Maggio: (cuts Charlie off) As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. *You* chose not to take the Maggio name. I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at interventions, did I?
Charlie: No, Salvatore, you didn`t. In fact...
Sal Maggio: In fact, I happened to bought a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you be dead by now.
Charlie: Look, Sal, we know that your upset.
Sal Maggio: It`s not your fault.
Charlie: What?
Sal Maggio: A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.

Colin: I`m Colin.
Lisa Simpson: I haven`t seen you at school
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad`s a musician.
Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
Colin: He`s not Bono.
Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you`re Irish and you care about...
Colin: He`s NOT Bono.

Russ Cargill: (levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart)
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There`s a couple of things they don`t teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I`m going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, I`ll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I`m a wiener?
(Homer and Bart laugh)
Homer Simpson: Classic!
Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
(Cargil aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie)
Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
(Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer)

Billy Madison: (singing) Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I`m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don`t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

3rd Grader: How`s high school Billy?
Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I`m learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It`s great.
3rd Grader: Gee, I can`t wait till I get to "hike" school.
Billy Madison: (grabs 3rd grader`s face and whispers) Don`t you say that. Don`t you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.

Sally: I`ve been looking for you, big brother. Will you please write a letter to Santa Claus for me?
Charlie Brown: Well, I don`t have much time. I`m supposed to get down to the school auditorium to direct a Christmas play.
Sally: (hands a clipboard and pen to Charlie Brown) You write it and I`ll tell you what I want to say.
Charlie Brown: (sticks pen in his mouth) Okay, shoot.
Sally: (dictating her letter to Santa Claus as Charlie Brown writes it for her) Dear Santa Claus, How have you been? Did you have a nice summer?
(Charlie Brown looks at her)
Sally: How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want.
Charlie Brown: Oh brother.
Sally: Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties?
Charlie Brown: TENS AND TWENTIES? Oh, even my baby sister!
Sally: All I want is what I... I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

There are times when I have asked, `Why me? Why do I have a leggi? Why am I the only one in my family and my school and my gymnastics team with a leggi? But... when I am in a `Why me?` mode ... I change the subject on myself and ask, `What have I already accomplised in my life? and `What else do I want to do?`

Narrator: Yes, the time has come at last. Christopher Robin was heading off to school. No one else in the forest knew why or where he was going, just that it had something to do with twice-times, and how to make things called ABCs, and where a place called Brazil is.

The Blue Fairy: Pinocchio, why didn`t you go to school?
Pinocchio: School? Well, I...
(Looks up at Jiminy)
Jiminy Cricket: Go ahead, tell her.
Pinocchio: I was going to school, `till I met somebody.
The Blue Fairy: Met somebody?
Pinocchio: Yeah, two big monsters, with big green eyes.
(Pinochio`s nose grows a little)
Pinocchio: Why, I...
The Blue Fairy: Monsters? Weren`t you afraid?
Pinocchio: No, Ma`am, but they tied me in a big sack.
(His nose grows a little more, sprouts leaves)
The Blue Fairy: You don`t say? And where was Sir Jiminy?
Pinocchio: Huh? Oh, Jiminy?
Jiminy Cricket: (Jumps in front of Pinocchio) Pst! Leave me out of this.
Pinocchio: They put him in a little sack.
(His nose grows even more, taking Jiminy along with it)
The Blue Fairy: No!
Pinocchio: Yeah!
(the nose sprouts flowers)
The Blue Fairy: How did you escape?
Pinocchio: I didn`t. They chopped me into fire wood!
(His nose grows again, this time sprouting a nest with baby birds inside)
Pinocchio: Oh, look! My nose! What`s happened?
The Blue Fairy: Perhaps you haven`t been telling the truth, Pinocchio.
Jiminy Cricket: Perhaps?
Pinocchio: Oh, but I have! Every single word!
(the branch on the nose whithers, and the birds fly away, whistling)

Geppetto: Now close your eyes and go to sleep.
Pinocchio: Why?
Geppetto: Everybody has to sleep. Figaro goes to sleep, and Cleo, and besides, tomorrow, you`ve got to go to school.
Pinocchio: Why?
Geppetto: Oh, to learn things, and get smart.
Pinocchio: Why?
Geppetto: (starts to fall asleep) Because.
Pinocchio: Oh.

Jiminy Cricket: All right then, here`s what we`ll tell `em. You can`t go to the theater, say "thank you just the same, you`re sorry, but you`ve got to go to school."
Pinocchio: Mmm-hmm.
Foulfellow: Pinocchio! Oh, Pinocchio! Woo-hoo!
Jiminy Cricket: Here they come, Pinoke. Now, you tell `em.
Foulfellow: Woo hoo! Oh, little boy! Ah, there you are. Where were we? Ah, yes. On to the theater!
Pinocchio: Good bye, Jiminy! Good bye!
Jiminy Cricket: Good bye? Huh? Good bye?
(Sees Pinocchio going off with Foulfellow and Gideon)
Jiminy Cricket: Hey, Pinoke! You can`t go!... There he goes. What`ll I do? I`ll run and tell his father. No, that`d be snitching. I`ll go after him myself.

Foulfellow: (Picks up Pinocchio`s schoolbook and apple, which he eats) Well, well. Quite the scholar, I see. Look, Giddy. A man of letters. Here`s your book
(hands book to Pinocchio)
Pinocchio: I`m going to school.
Foulfellow: School. Ah, yes. Then perhaps you haven`t heard of the easy road to success.
Pinocchio: Uh-uh.
Foulfellow: No? I`m speaking, my boy, of the theater! Here`s your apple.
(Hands Pinocchio the apple, eaten down to the core)
Foulfellow: Bright lights, music, applause! Fame!
(Wiggles eyebrows)
Pinocchio: Fame?
(Wiggles eyebrows too)
Foulfellow: Yes! And with that personality, that profile, that physique... why, he`s a natural-born actor, eh, Giddy?
Pinocchio: But I`m going...
Foulfellow: ...straight to the top! Why, I can see your name in lights, lights six feet high! Uh... what is your name?
Pinocchio: Pinocchio.
Foulfellow: Pinocchio! P-I-N... er, U-O... Uh, er...
Foulfellow: We`re wasting precious time. Come. On to the theater!

The Coachman: How would you blokes like to make some real money?
(Lays a large bag of money on the table)
Foulfellow: Well! And who do we have to, eh...
(Makes throat-slashing motion)
The Coachman: No, no. Nothing like that. You see...
(Looks around to see if anyone is listening; Foulfellow does the same)
The Coachman: I`m collecting stupid little boys.
Foulfellow: Stupid little boys?
The Coachman: You know, the disobedient ones who play hooky from school.
Foulfellow: Ohh!
The Coachman: And you see...
(Whispers in Foulfellow`s ear; Gideon puts his ear to Foulfellow`s other ear so he can listen as well)
The Coachman: And I takes `em to Pleasure Island.
Foulfellow: (nods in agreement) Ah, Pleasure Island.
(suddenly shocked)
Foulfellow: Pleasure Island? But the law! Suppose they...
The Coachman: No, no. There is no risk. They never come back... as BOYS!
(leans in close to camera and smiles wickedly)

Agatha Trunchbull: I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?
Harry Wormwood: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.
Agatha Trunchbull: Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.
Harry Wormwood: Huh.
Agatha Trunchbull: I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.
Harry Wormwood: Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...
Agatha Trunchbull: My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that`s my motto.
Harry Wormwood: Terrific motto!
Agatha Trunchbull: You have brats yourself?
Harry Wormwood: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mistake, Matilda.
Agatha Trunchbull: They`re all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.

Agatha Trunchbull: I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They`re the bane of my life. They`re like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible. Hah,
(makes spraying gesture)
Agatha Trunchbull: psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all.

Matilda: I love it here! I love my school... it isn`t fair! Miss Honey, please don`t let them...
Harry Wormwood: (interrupting) Get in the car, Melinda!
Matilda: Matilda!
Harry Wormwood: Whatever.
Matilda: I want to stay with Miss Honey.
Zinnia Wormwood: Miss Honey doesn`t want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?
Jenny: Because she`s a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her.
Matilda: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.
Harry Wormwood: Look, I don`t have time for all these legalities!
Matilda: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.
Zinnia Wormwood: What? Where did you get those?
Matilda: From a book in the library. I`ve had them since I was big enough to Xerox.

Harry Wormwood: Any packages come today?
Matilda: Mm-mm.
Harry Wormwood: (noticing her books) Where`d all this come from?
Matilda: The library.
Harry Wormwood: The library? You`ve never set foot in a library. You`re only four years old.
Matilda: Six-and-a-half.
Harry Wormwood: You`re four!
Matilda: Six-and-a-half!
Harry Wormwood: If you were six-and-a-half, you`d be in school already.
Matilda: I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn`t listen.
Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book.
(He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is)
Harry Wormwood: Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?
Zinnia Wormwood: Four.
Matilda: I`m six-and-a-half, mommy!
Zinnia Wormwood: Five, then!
Matilda: I was six in August.
Harry Wormwood: You`re a liar.
Matilda: I want to go to school.
Harry Wormwood: School? It`s out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can`t leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.
(Matilda leaves)
Zinnia Wormwood: You know, sometimes I think there`s something wrong with that girl.
Harry Wormwood: Hmph, tell me about it.

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