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Quotations by Bill Maher.

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Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That's something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they're talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.

You are what you do. It's about actions.

Abstinence is a perversion.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It`s overrun with sheep and conformists.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k`s because three would be too obvious.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, `Please, I used to pull the same trick. There`d be an intervention, I`d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.`

Men are only as loyal as their options.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn`t a Nazi, he wouldn`t have any credibility with conservatives at all.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn`t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That`s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it`s not cowardly.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don`t need.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who`s your real friend? It`s the person who tells you the truth. That`s who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

A lot of good has come from drugs. I think `Penny Lane` is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn`t even be born if it weren`t for that album, so it evens out.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we`re in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

Things aren`t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it`s been taken over by the religious right.

They`re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that`s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can`t even smoke in bed.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don`t know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, `I`ve got one question: What color is the red phone?`

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Let`s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Hi, I`m Bill. I`m a birth survivor.

Let`s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Suicide is man`s way of telling God, "You can`t fire me - I quit."

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Kids. They`re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I want America to go towards the light! God, there`s so many areas where it needs to be patched up and fixed. In general, I want to see America get out of the (Iraq) war, so that we have the money and the energy to do something else. I want us, obviously, to address the environmental problems that are becoming so frightening. The frogs are dying, the bees are dying, the glaciers are melting. I don`t know what has to happen before the world takes notice. And, you know, America always bragging that it is Number One. Well, if it`s Number One, it`s got to take the lead. And it hasn`t taken the lead, so why should other countries fall in line behind us?

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it`s an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn`t. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we`re such a dumb nation.

There`s no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I hate religion. I think it`s a neurological disorder.

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security -- hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.

Kids, they`re not easy, but there has to be some penalty for sex.

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

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