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The cable TV sex channels don`t expand our horizons, don`t make us better people, and don`t come in clearly enough.

(from a 1998 "Mother Jones" interview) My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.

(when asked what he liked about the Playboy mansion) The food is out of this world!

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That`s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it`s not cowardly.

All I did was tell the truth. That`s is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" (1994) has to go down for it, so be it!

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

Kids, they`re not easy, but there has to be some penalty for sex.

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security -- hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.

I hate religion. I think it`s a neurological disorder.

There`s no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it`s an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn`t. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we`re such a dumb nation.

I want America to go towards the light! God, there`s so many areas where it needs to be patched up and fixed. In general, I want to see America get out of the (Iraq) war, so that we have the money and the energy to do something else. I want us, obviously, to address the environmental problems that are becoming so frightening. The frogs are dying, the bees are dying, the glaciers are melting. I don`t know what has to happen before the world takes notice. And, you know, America always bragging that it is Number One. Well, if it`s Number One, it`s got to take the lead. And it hasn`t taken the lead, so why should other countries fall in line behind us?

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

Kids. They`re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Suicide is man`s way of telling God, "You can`t fire me - I quit."

Let`s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Hi, I`m Bill. I`m a birth survivor.

Let`s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don`t know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, `I`ve got one question: What color is the red phone?`

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

They`re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that`s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can`t even smoke in bed.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it`s been taken over by the religious right.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

Things aren`t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

This is a ridiculous heat wave we`re in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

A lot of good has come from drugs. I think `Penny Lane` is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn`t even be born if it weren`t for that album, so it evens out.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who`s your real friend? It`s the person who tells you the truth. That`s who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don`t need.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That`s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it`s not cowardly.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn`t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn`t a Nazi, he wouldn`t have any credibility with conservatives at all.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, `Please, I used to pull the same trick. There`d be an intervention, I`d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.`

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k`s because three would be too obvious.


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