Groucho Marx Quotes

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Quotations by Groucho Marx.

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Humor is reason gone mad.

Politics doesn`t make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Wives are people who feel they don`t dance enough

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I`m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it`s not raining.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

(on Margaret Dumont) She was a wonderful woman. She was the same off the stage as she was on it -- always the stuffy, dignified matron. And the funny thing about her was she never understood the jokes. At the end of Duck Soup (1933) Margaret says to me, "What are you doing. Rufus?". And I say, "I am fighting for your honor, which is more than you ever did." Later she asked me what I meant by that.

I don`t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They`re upstairs in my socks.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

I never forget a face, but in your case I`ll be glad to make an exception.

Outside of a dog, a book is man`s best friend. Inside of a dog it`s too dark to read.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON`T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

It isn`t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Those are my principles, and if you don`t like them... well, I have others.

She got her looks from her father. He`s a plastic surgeon.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I`d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I`ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn`t it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

(On Charles Chaplin): The greatest compliment I ever got was from Chaplin. He came up to me and said `I wish I could talk like you on the screen.` I said `I think you`re doing alright.` He had made $50 million by that point. He was the best comedian we ever had.

Jerry Lewis hasn`t made me laugh since he left Dean Martin.

(on Bob Hope) Hope? Hope is not a comedian. He just translates what others write for him.

I`d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

He (Groucho`s father) had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you`d realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn`t believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell his size, with the result that frequently he`d make a pair of pants with one trouser leg seven or eight inches longer than the other.

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

(ater viewing Samson and Delilah (1949) starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature) Well, there`s just one problem. No picture can hold my interest where the leading man`s t*ts are bigger than the leading lady`s.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Wives are people who feel that they don`t dance enough.

She got her good looks from her father--he`s a plastic surgeon.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.


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